Violet Voices

24
July
2006

Why I am a SAHM

Since I want Violet Voices to be a place where people can share and read stories about stay-at-home moms and dads, I thought it would be good for me to share my own story about becoming a stay-at-home mom.

I never thought a lot about being a mom when I was growing up. It didn’t usually make my top three on my list of What I Want To Be When I Grow Up. I’m the oldest child in the family, but I didn’t have that strong mothering instinct some older sisters display. I was more just plain bossy!

But I did enjoy children, which is why I ended up going to college to become a teacher. And I always planned on probably getting married and having kids. It just wasn’t a big deal to me. In fact, my husband and I planned to wait five years before having kids at all.

Then I saw an article in Reader’s Digest about little girls in China who lived in orphanages because they had no family of their own. It broke my heart, both for the girls, but also for the families and for the country of China. What a terrible, difficult problem with no easy answer. I knew that I wanted to be part of the solution.

When we traveled to China, I was working as the supervisor in a community college learning center. I really enjoyed my job, and I was starting to get serious about pursuing a writing career as well. When we returned home with this incredible, fascinating little 15 month old who had somehow become our daughter in the short two week trip, everything changed for me.

I had to continue working to pay for the adoption because it had progressed quicker than we had expected. But I went from loving my job to dreading it. Dropping her off at my mom’s house or at my friend’s house while I went to work was so much harder than I’d ever dreamed!

And I found that I do, indeed, have a mommy heart after all–one that makes me cry when my children get vaccinations, that makes me able to speed across a room in a fraction of a second to pull them away from under a falling lamp, that creates a fury in me I didn’t know I possessed if someone mistreats or threatens them. Sometimes, I think I’ve been taken over by something else I never knew existed. I didn’t know this was what it was like to be a mom.

I had always thought that it would be best to have at least one parent at home with young children. My mom and my friend did a great job of caring for my daughter, but she needed to be bonding to her new parents, not more caregivers. It made more sense for me to give up my job than for my husband to quit his, because educators typically make less money than programmers. And I reasoned it would also give me a chance to write.

So as soon as we could afford it, I gave my notice at work. They weren’t surprised, but I did get people asking me, “Won’t you be bored?” “What will you do all day?” or the generic guilt-ridden excuse, “I think it’s great, and I wish I could do the same. But I just know I would go crazy. Besides, we can’t afford it.”

My co-workers gave me a nice send-off party, complete with a gift certificate to a local department store. I used the gift card to buy myself a different kind of work outfit–a cozy pair of knit pants and a matching top. I said it was my official “stay-at-home mom” outfit. (Funny, my fashion sense has developed significantly since then, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing, home or in public!)

That first week, I had all sorts of plans. I spent time with some of my friends who were also SAHMs and I joined MOPS, and I played with my daughter and started working on a novel. I loved it. And my daughter blossomed from a somber, timid little thing into a toddler with an infectious smile and laughter and a curiosity about life that never quits.

Since then, the novelty of being a SAHM has totally worn off. I can tell you my horror stories with the best of any SAHMs. But I can also tell you this: I do not miss the corporate world. Even on my worst days at home, I wouldn’t trade it.

I don’t have a “typical” stay-at-home mom existence, to be sure. I’m a published author, freelance editor, and I have ministry positions at my church, in addition to homeschooling my two daughters. I don’t spend my whole day playing with kids, cleaning house, or cooking meals. In fact, I don’t do as much of any of those things as I probably should.

I know there are a lot of great moms who don’t stay at home. That’s every bit as legitimate a choice to make. I’m not sure I’d be so happy with being home if I didn’t have my own careers and interests. But for me and my family’s situation, this is the best arrangement. And I consider it a privilege and honor, as well as a huge responsibility, to be home with my children.