August
2006
Do we protect our kids too much?
A couple of days ago, author Mary DeMuth, posted a fabulous article on her blog about Fishbowl Parenting. Read it! It’s good.
It goes along with what I’ve often wondered. Why do those of us who consider ourselves Christian parents (and even parents who are not) seem so controlled by fear? It’s a reflection of the fear-based behavior of our society as a whole, I think.
I’ll admit, there’s reason to be fearful. Or at least cautious. I don’t let my daughters play outside unless I personally can see them. And it’s not entirely because we live in an inner city neighborhood. Enough children have vanished from suburban neighborhood to teach me to be extremely wary no matter where we live. And I don’t let them go to friends’ homes unless we are familiar with both parents and other people living at that home. I don’t want to find out someday that a supposedly squeaky-clean church family has been secretly molesting my children. Too many horror stories have made me distrustful of almost everyone until they prove themselves. It’s sad, and I don’t like it. But I’d like it even less if I wasn’t careful and my children bore the consequences of my naivete.
However, I don’t think that’s the type of precautions Mary is discussing in her article. I think she’s getting at the way that we try to sanitize the world for our kids. And for ourselves. As if letting them come into contact with non-Christian people or ideas will somehow contaminate them.
She writes:
They start in Sunday school (a good thing, of course), progressing to youth group. They are surrounded by positive Christian friends. They are subject to a lot of parental control. They’ve learned to live within an artificial environment–where the temperature is regulated, air is added at the right time, food comes daily. When they are flung into the ocean of college, they tend to have very little skill to navigate rough waters, where they meet others whose opinions differ, whose lifestyles are diametrically different.
Growing up in a Christian family, attending Christian schools, I’ve seen this play out in the lives of my classmates. I’ve experienced it to some extent myself. I still don’t really know how to communicate well with people outside my faith, though I’m trying to learn. But my experience has been so limited. It was meant well, and my parents were not overbearing about insulating me from outside influences. Yet, the fact still remains–when I went to public high school my senior year and then to a public college, I was in culture shock.
But as difficult as it was to acclimate myself, it was so good for me. I found that my faith doesn’t need to be propped up and surrounded by barriers and pillows. It’s so much stronger than that. I found out that my faith is actually good for something–it’s useful for giving me compassion on people who are hurting and without hope, it’s useful for giving me the patience to understand others whose views conflict with mine. It gives me comfort when life is painful.
I think what Mary is getting at is that if we want our children to have a strong, healthy faith, we have to put them in places where that faith can get some exercise. We have to let it out for a good run, for some rough housing, let it get a bit muddy and even scraped up a bit. I think so many of our children have faith that is dying for lack of stimulation and fresh air. In our attempt to protect them, we make them weak in the very area they need strength in order to survive.
Maybe the reason we do that is because our fear is greater than our own faith as parents. It maybe means that what we honestly believe is that the negative and evil influences in the world are stronger than what is good and true. That the lessons we’ve instilled in our kids really haven’t been as effective as the other messages our kids get.
If so, then that’s a problem we need to address in our own lives. I don’t want to create a weak, anemic faith in my children. I want them to have a robust, healthy faith that has been tried and proven.
Thanks, Mary, for the challenge of not parenting from fear, but from real faith.
The Do we protect our kids too much? by Violet Voices, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . 
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Once again, Welcome! I’m so glad you are joining in with us! Thanks for your kind words in the comments of “My Quiet Corner”! That meant the world to me! And thanks for adding your link. Guess you can expect even more traffic?!
I agree with you, its good for our children to exercise their faith.
I just left this comment on Mary’s blog and thought I’d throw it out here for discussion.
Definitely something to ponder as I homeschool and “shelter” my children. But I like to think of it more as protecting my children’s innocence. Each family has to decide when their child is able to move out of shallow water to the deeper ocean.
My 12 year old son isn’t ready for deep water yet, and isn’t all that sheltered between our unbelieving family and friends. In fact, his neighborhood friends seem to be bringing him down a bit. (Though his faith has been able to shine as well) So what do I do, let him continue on this negative path, or throw him a life perserver?
That’s a valid point, Gina. I suppose it depends on what sort of thing is considered a “life preserver.” For me, it wouldn’t necessarily be to prevent his contact with those negative influences, at least not at first. I’d probably try engaging him in a conversation, to find out what HE is thinking about his neighborhood friends. Ask him what he likes about them. What is it about their behavior that appeals to him? I’d try to avoid lecturing him, of course, but maybe try asking him some leading questions to get him to think about what the possible consequences might be if he follows their path. Get him to think about what is motivating him to be a follower instead of a leader. Then you can help him work through those root issues and use it as a growing experience instead of trying to keep him from the experience entirely. It makes him a partner in the growing up process instead of a subject to it.
My parents did this to one degree or another during my teen years, and the result was open lines of communication between me and them, and less rebellion from me because I never felt like they were being heavy-handed in the boundaries they set. I was still sheltered, but it wasn’t to the degree of some of my friends, and it wasn’t in a way that provoked me to run the opposite direction when I got the chance.
One other thing–I think it’s also a matter of degrees. You don’t just toss your kid into the ocean and hope he survives. But I think it does mean being intentional about exposing them to the bigger world in stages and making sure that you are there and available to be a guide at each level.
I’m visiting from A Quiet Corner, but I am so glad to have found your site. Thank you for this article. We were talking about how to bring up children with a strong Christian faith in a secular school system and society. This article will give us something to think and talk about. Look forward to reading more from you here.
Thanks for stopping over, Keziah! I hope you were able to read Mary’s original article, too. It’s an issue a lot of us are struggling with. We are facing situations with our kids that our parents never had to deal with. It’s really hard sometimes to know what to do. But I believe that God will freely give us wisdom when we ask. Many blessings on you and your family–your kids are lucky to have a mom who thinks about these sort of things.
Thanks for your insight into such a volatile subject. I read Mary’s article, as well as the link Ann V. left, and left a comment there, too. Incredible.
We homeschooled early on, but with the intention of putting our kids in school later. So far this has worked very well. They’ve had a chance to make mistakes (very hard to watch!) and flounder a bit, but we’ve been there to supervise and guide. I think this is so much harder as a parent to do than to control my children’s every possible interaction. At times it has been very humbling. But we are determined to trudge through together. God has been faithful.
Thanks for bringing this up. I’ve been here before but I’m glad I found you again through momrn’s site.