7
August
2006
The other morning I sat down with my three and five year old for a quick devotion. I usually don’t get around to devotions with my little ones, but on this morning I had managed some quiet time myself before they got up. When they came to sit besides me I set aside my Bible and seized the moment, never knowing that their children’s devotion would be just what I needed. Giving Up Things for Jesus.
That was the title of the lesson taken from Luke 5:10-11 and the story about when Jesus called Simon to follow Him. Simon loved to fish. It was all he knew to do, and he was good at it. But Jesus wanted Simon to tell others about the Kingdom of God. Jesus wanted Simon to follow Him.
Wow! That totally hit me where I was. Loving something so much, something I was good at and felt called to, and then being asked to give it up.
Jesus didn’t promise Simon would always have a roof over his head, or the road would be easy. He simply said, “be a fisher of men.†And that’s what Simon did.
Simon could have stayed behind and continued fishing, and he probably would have been happy and content. But Simon gave up what he loved. He traded in his fishing gear for something better.
Jesus.
God may never ask you to give up what you love, but maybe He’ll ask you to set it aside for a season. If you’re obedient to what He asks of you, He’ll bless you with something more than you could ever imagine. I’m clinging to that as I walk in obedience to what He has spoken to my heart.
The devotion ended with this scripture and prayer:
“If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it.†Matthew 16:25
…I want to follow YOU, too Jesus. Help me give up those things that get in the way. AMEN.
Written By: Gina
Posted under: On Being a Parent . 
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6
August
2006
Most people have seen children adopted from China. They’re happy, well-adjusted, beautiful kids that any parent would be blessed to have in their lives. At least, that’s what you’ll see if you meet our daughter.
But there’s the times you don’t see. You don’t see the times she’s sobbed against my neck, “I just want my China mommy and daddy!” or “I don’t know why they had to give me up!” or when she’s not crying, and is just being…well, a child attempting to manipulate her parents–”Someday, mom, I’m going to leave you and move to China and you won’t see me for a long, long time.” (Complete with a “So what do you think about THAT?” look!)
The questions and the pain began shortly after she learned to talk. “Why my China mom give up?” (age 2) became “Why didn’t they want me?” (age 4) and then, “I just wish I could have stayed with them in China.” (age 7) I think we’ve handled it okay–nonjudgmental, understanding, grieving with her and telling her it’s okay to have those thoughts and wishes. But also emphasizing to her that we are a “real family” and that being our “real daughter” has nothing to do with her appearance or who gave birth to her. That we love her, and will love and support her, even if she someday does want to go live in China. That we want God’s best for her no matter what.
But truthfully, these discussions are a knife to my heart. I know it’s normal, and healthy, and I’d FAR rather have her voice her feelings to me, her mother, than to someone else (or keep them buried). However, I’ve learned that being a good adoptive mom means emotionally letting go of my daughter in ways and at times that I don’t have to do with the one I gave birth to. I have to share her with her own past, haunting as it is.
There’s a special sort of deep pain that happens when you have to look your beloved daughter in the eyes and tell her it’s normal and okay for her to wish she had, in her words, “her own parents back.” And then to soothe the anxiety and confusion as she tries not to hurt your feelings, and as she finally realizes that even if she had those parents, she’d lose you. She’s too concrete a thinker yet to understand that the bonds she’s built with us go deeper than genetic bonds with her family of origin. All she knows is that she loves us…but she also loves them. And she can never have us both. For her, there’s not a win-win solution.
So not only do I ache for myself, but I ache even more deeply for her. If I could right the past, if I could heal that wound, I would. Even if it meant losing her. What a noble sentiment… that does no good. The truth is, we can’t undo the past. I can’t “fix it” for her, as much as I long to. The most I can do is pour my love into her and try to steer her on a healthy and emotionally stable path, to the best of my ability. And I pray. Oh how I pray for her! Trying to learn ever more to trust her to God and to have faith that He will heal those wounds that I can barely even reach.
I’ve had innocent, well-meaning people make the comment to me, “It must be nice to do an adoption. SOOOO much easier than a pregnancy.” I’d laugh if it didn’t make me want to cry. When I was pregnant, I had pain for most of the 9 months, plus about 7 hours of labor and a few days of recovery. But when I committed to adopting, I accepted pain that will last a lifetime. Don’t talk to me about it being “easier.”
But lest I sound cynical and bitter, I want to state unequivocally that the joy and blessing our daughter has brought into our lives is, to me anyway, worth any pain I suffer. The pain makes the joy sweeter. When she throws her arms around me and says, “You’re my favorite mom in the whole world,” it actually MEANS something deep and precious to me. And most days she is full of laughter, of joie de vivre. Her eyes sparkle and she tries to embrace the entire earth in her abounding energy.
So I don’t regret a minute of it, and if I had to, I’d choose to adopt her all over again. I love her so much, I can cry just thinking about it. I only wish, like she does, that it hadn’t been necessary. That she could have stayed with them. Even if it meant we’d never have had the pleasure of her in our lives.
See how divided she and I both are inside? No wonder we ache.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption . Email This Post
5
August
2006
A couple of days ago, author Mary DeMuth, posted a fabulous article on her blog about Fishbowl Parenting. Read it! It’s good.
It goes along with what I’ve often wondered. Why do those of us who consider ourselves Christian parents (and even parents who are not) seem so controlled by fear? It’s a reflection of the fear-based behavior of our society as a whole, I think.
I’ll admit, there’s reason to be fearful. Or at least cautious. I don’t let my daughters play outside unless I personally can see them. And it’s not entirely because we live in an inner city neighborhood. Enough children have vanished from suburban neighborhood to teach me to be extremely wary no matter where we live. And I don’t let them go to friends’ homes unless we are familiar with both parents and other people living at that home. I don’t want to find out someday that a supposedly squeaky-clean church family has been secretly molesting my children. Too many horror stories have made me distrustful of almost everyone until they prove themselves. It’s sad, and I don’t like it. But I’d like it even less if I wasn’t careful and my children bore the consequences of my naivete.
However, I don’t think that’s the type of precautions Mary is discussing in her article. I think she’s getting at the way that we try to sanitize the world for our kids. And for ourselves. As if letting them come into contact with non-Christian people or ideas will somehow contaminate them.
She writes:
They start in Sunday school (a good thing, of course), progressing to youth group. They are surrounded by positive Christian friends. They are subject to a lot of parental control. They’ve learned to live within an artificial environment–where the temperature is regulated, air is added at the right time, food comes daily. When they are flung into the ocean of college, they tend to have very little skill to navigate rough waters, where they meet others whose opinions differ, whose lifestyles are diametrically different.
Growing up in a Christian family, attending Christian schools, I’ve seen this play out in the lives of my classmates. I’ve experienced it to some extent myself. I still don’t really know how to communicate well with people outside my faith, though I’m trying to learn. But my experience has been so limited. It was meant well, and my parents were not overbearing about insulating me from outside influences. Yet, the fact still remains–when I went to public high school my senior year and then to a public college, I was in culture shock.
But as difficult as it was to acclimate myself, it was so good for me. I found that my faith doesn’t need to be propped up and surrounded by barriers and pillows. It’s so much stronger than that. I found out that my faith is actually good for something–it’s useful for giving me compassion on people who are hurting and without hope, it’s useful for giving me the patience to understand others whose views conflict with mine. It gives me comfort when life is painful.
I think what Mary is getting at is that if we want our children to have a strong, healthy faith, we have to put them in places where that faith can get some exercise. We have to let it out for a good run, for some rough housing, let it get a bit muddy and even scraped up a bit. I think so many of our children have faith that is dying for lack of stimulation and fresh air. In our attempt to protect them, we make them weak in the very area they need strength in order to survive.
Maybe the reason we do that is because our fear is greater than our own faith as parents. It maybe means that what we honestly believe is that the negative and evil influences in the world are stronger than what is good and true. That the lessons we’ve instilled in our kids really haven’t been as effective as the other messages our kids get.
If so, then that’s a problem we need to address in our own lives. I don’t want to create a weak, anemic faith in my children. I want them to have a robust, healthy faith that has been tried and proven.
Thanks, Mary, for the challenge of not parenting from fear, but from real faith.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
4
August
2006
Note From Meredith: Please welcome Cynthia as our newest Violet Voice! Cynthia is a fellow writer, and a SAHM, and I’m thrilled to have her contributing to my blog. Here’s Cynthia’s story about becoming a Work at Home Mom.
Last year my husband and I found ourselves seeking employment. It was the perfect time to change over to being a Stay-at-Home-Mom. I was tired of the corporate world, tired of being at their mercy with my schedule, tired of the ulcers it gave me. I began searching the internet for ways to work from home. This proved to be as wild a goose chase as any you have ever encountered. There are so many “opportunities” — so very few legitimate work-from-home jobs. Most of the online opportunities involved multilevel marketing or living off of residuals. I didn’t have time to build up a business based on referrals. I needed employment.
Finally after a few frustrating months, I posted my resume on a freelance network and received a call from a transcription company. With my office management skills and experience, this avenue proved to be a perfect match. I found I could type in my pajamas if I wanted, just like all the ads had touted. I was skeptical about getting paid. I had heard that there are scams online that get you to take a test (translate type long files) or pay to take their courses. Then they keep you on the lowest payscale, because you’re in “training” still. I was one of the fotunate ones; just as promised, my check arrived along with more work. I was thrilled, but still I had this nagging feeling that I could do more.
My English degree lay dormant for 20 years. I wanted to write. I’ve always wanted to write. I have always written. My works filled pages and pages but were locked away where no one could read them. During those frustrating months of unemployment I began to work on that first novel, and now less than a year later, I am proud to say that I have finished the first draft of From Pharaoh’s Hand.
The journey and self-discovery have been incredible as I have started blogging and researching the making of a novel. Learning about the publishing world has opened my eyes to new avenues at every hand, and I hope to find a niche for my first work as soon as possible.
There is a wealth of information to be had for new writers and new stay-at-home moms on the internet. It pays to be persistent and wary. Sift through the ever-increasing flow of information and find that gold mine you’ve been searching for — whether it’s an agent or just a part -time typing job. Your persistance will pay off in time, and both your family and your ulcers will thank you. Wish me luck!
Written By: Cynthia
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
3
August
2006
By Gina Conroy
Almost several months ago I signed up for a Bible Study with some home schooling friends. I really didn’t feel like committing to another night out of the home especially since my family was already overscheduled with activities, but my husband encouraged me to go, and I knew I needed something to help me get into the Word and be accountable. I didn’t know the Bible study was on hearing the voice of God.
Half way through the Bible study God began to deal with me about my skewed priorities. Just like what happened to Saul on the road to Damascus, God decided to knock me off my horse. Yet, instead of blinding me as He did with Saul, the scales fell from my eyes.
The topic of discussion at our Bible study that week had been sold out hunger for God. The author Pricilla Shirer shared these words.
“More and more the Lord is showing me what I consider interruptions are often divine distractions designed to reveal His plans for me…â€
Pricilla Shirer wrote about her young son tugging on her leg, trying to get her attention while she sat engrossed in writing the Bible study. “Ignoring this interruption ignores God’s attempt to move me away from my plan for my day to His.â€
Talk about an “ah-ha†moment! It was then that I realized I was treating my children as interruptions in my life and to my writing career. I had become so focused on what I thought my calling from God was that I’d been missing His divine plan for my life.
When I decided to home school almost two years ago I felt that was an interruption in my life. The time I thought I would have to write now had to be allocated to schooling. Still I was determined to make it work even if it meant staying up past midnight and “winging it†through my lessons the following day. During a quick break or at lunch, I’d steal away to the computer and get on email only to stay longer than I had planned. My three-year-old would often interrupt what I was doing, and I’d either shoo her away or get irritated at the interruption. If I lingered too long on the computer I knew chaos would erupt in the rooms below with my boys, but somehow I couldn’t pull myself away in time to prevent the inevitable.
Pricilla goes on to write “…we all become frustrated when seemingly meaningless interruptions interfere with plans we have for our careers, families, finances, or ministries. Are we missing God’s interventions as He seeks to divert us to His will?â€
Was I missing God’s intervention as He sought to divert me to His will? I thought home schooling was an interruption in my life, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was God’s divine intervention to steer me back on the path He had already designed for me.
Pricilla said, “Sometimes when our plans are interrupted, we are staring God’s direction in the face. We must not push them aside to complete what we feel is most important.â€
I’m still learning to hear God’s voice, and I’m clinging to Isaiah 55:8-9 “My thoughts are not your thoughts. My ways are not your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than yours.â€
Gina Conroy is a homeschooling writing mom of four. This artcile was reposted for Violet Voices. For more musings by this author, visit her blog Portrait of a Writer…Interrupted.
Written By: Gina
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
2
August
2006
My name is Beckie, I am 37 years old and have 2 daughters, Mary is 8 and Cassie is 7. I have been married to my wonderful husband since November of 2005. That beautiful story is for another time. This is how I was lucky to get to stay at home with my girls. Something I had wanted to do for as long as I can remember. Here’s my story…..
My girls and I were at the library one day after school. I always take them to get books to read to them and some that they can read to me. I don’t normally check out books for myself. Why? I just never read them. They look like great books, even sound like great books, but I just never read them. Sometimes I start them, like one or 2 pages. Usually if I can get past the first chapter I will finish it, but that doesn’t happen very often.
So we are at the library, the girls are looking around and I glance at the “New Books†section for adults. I see this book called SAHM I AM. I’m thinking, what’s a SAHM, so educated I was. This book catches my eye and I pick it up. I glance at the spine and it is an inspirational book. I decided why not, so I check the book out. I think it sat on the table for about a week before I finally picked it up again, but I did pick it up again. Once I started reading the book it took me about 2 days to finish it. I loved it. I laughed, I cried, I even got mad at some of the characters and felt so sorry for others. I thought, “How awesome it would be to be able to stay at home with my girls and to be able to find a group of women like this to communicate with each dayâ€.
Each day I thought about the book and what it would be like to stay home. After a few weeks of prayer and discussion with a friend, I decided what I must do. One day I finally got the courage up to ask my husband if it would be possible for me to quit work. Granted, I was only working 25 hours a week, but money is money. To my amazement, he said, “ok, quit your job, I think it’s a great ideaâ€. I was stunned.
On May 19 2006, I became a SAHM. BTW, I know what it means now. I haven’t found a group of women like the ones from the book, but I guess I can’t have it all right away. I still search for that site and eventually, I know I will find it. Being able to stay home with my girls has been the greatest gift my husband could have even given me. I love being with the girls and we have a blast together.
Note From Meredith: Beckie, it’s such an incredible honor to know that my book was what inspired you to become a SAHM. Thanks for sharing that story. I hope you find that SAHM community you are looking for. 
Written By: Beckie
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
1
August
2006
Gina, from over at Portrait of a Writer…Interrupted, found this incredibly fascinating true confession of a very bored mom and posted about it on Sunday. The article was just too intriguing to ignore, and I had to get my own two-cents in as well. So go read the article, go read Gina, and then come back and finish reading my thoughts on it. (Please.)
Okay, so it seems as if the majority of people responding to the article think this woman had no business even having kids if she’s going to be that selfish. And, I’ll admit, on first glance it does seem that she is about as self-centered as your average two year old. (Probably why she doesn’t want to play with the other children. 2 year olds rarely do, you know.)
But I think that she is reacting to the expectations that are put on parents, moms especially, that have nothing really to do with the act of parenting. She’s right that parenting doesn’t mean driving kids around town, playing board games, or attending every single performance. Those are cultural constructs that are quite unique to our time and society. And sorry, but lots of motherhood duties ARE extremely menial. Wiping feces off butts, washing dishes, and doing laundry are among some of the most menial tasks people in our culture are asked to do. Sitting at a kids sports event is not the most exciting thing in the world, and neither is playing Candyland. Most children’s movies are downright assinine.
So, if that’s how she is defining motherhood, she’s right. It’s as boring as you can get. And she also has a good point that child-centered parenting is just as harmful as neglectful parenting. I totally agree with her on that.
What I disagree with is her assumption that an adult has the right to always be entertained. At one point she commented that it’s okay for kids to be bored. Well, it’s okay for adults to be bored sometimes, too. And just as we expect our kids to entertain themselves at times, we should expect the same from ourselves. So if I’m bored sitting at a kiddie t-ball game, maybe I should bring along something else to keep me busy. Something that won’t offend my little tyke, of course, but something that I will enjoy doing. And at home, I think it’s okay to put up with boredom every so often in order to indulge my kids in a board game or take them to the pool or something. It’s also okay to tell them that “this time, mom is going to pass on that because I have something that I’m working on.”
But I think that the essentials of parenting are actually not at all boring. Taking the time to get inside my daughter’s private, internal world and finding out what she’s thinking and feeling is not boring to me. Creating an opportunity for me and my kids to talk together about things like growing up, God, friends, and even the questions they have about the evening news is interesting. Figuring out what makes my kids tick is a hobby.
So for me, it’s a balance. I don’t waste precious time feeling guilty for not “doing” more with my kids. But if I want to be part of their lives, I have to make time for them.
If this mom thinks parenting is really just about taking kids places, attending events, and cleaning house…no wonder she’s bored. Like almost everything else about this life, parenting is about building a relationship with one’s kids. That takes some time and investment, and it is that pay-off that makes parenting rewarding. If we’ve reduced parenting to the tasks and duties of making ourselves at the beck and call of our kids, then we are missing out on what it means to be a real parent. And we’re missing out on getting acquainted with the terrific little human beings God has put in our lives.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
