September
2006
Oprah said. . .
by Vasthi Acosta
Oprah said, on a recent show, that she never married because she feared losing who she was; having to compromise her essence for the sake of another person. The show presented the premise that marriage could be destructive to a woman’s individuality. Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife claimed she lost her dreams, aspirations and strength when she married, because her life became all about her husband and his dreams, his success, his achievements.
As I listened my heart felt heavy and an inner voice rebelled.
The limitations they placed on marriage, spoke more about the person, than the institution.
After 26 years of marriage, my experience has been the complete opposite of Lance Armstrong’s former wife.
Instead, within marriage I found:
- the security and confidence to fully become myself and reach for my dreams;
- a cheerleader for my achievements;
- a soft, safe place to fall, when life knocks me down;
- an adventure;
- the privilege of watching another life unfold, up close and intimate.
For me, marriage set me free. Free to be vulnerable, expose my doubts and fears, and still be loved. Free to develop my gifts and talents. Free to try. Free to fail.
Within marriage, I have become a better, stronger, more confident me. A gift I never anticipated. I just wanted to live my life alongside this man. To have our lives be intertwined. It became much more than that.
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Pro. 27:17)
This is what marriage should be. Not a diminishing of one, for the sake of the other, but a joining of two, so both, become better, stronger, richer, freer.
Marriage is not easy. There is plenty of sacrifice and compromise. But what, worth having, doesn’t require the same?
The Oprah said. . . by Violet Voices, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Written By: Vasthi Acosta
Posted under: Women's Voices . 
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I completely agree with you. I don’t think I ever knew myself until I saw myself in the eyes of someone who loved me so unconditionally.
Personally I think these women such as Oprah live a lie, listen to lies are become hard and selfish. The never learn to give of themselves. I think Armstrong’s wife never really gave of herself but expected to receive…she sounds almost jealous because she certainly could have gone for her dreams and goals if she wanted to - unless he was super abusive but I did not get the idea that he was.
Marriage makes one whole, complete. “A strand of three cords cannot easily be broken”. I also think that these women need the Lord in order to really find themselves. I look at Oprah and other women like her and I really feel sorry for them. They are so lost.
Vasthi, Amen, sister! Ditto what you said. An unexpected blessing I’ve discovered in marriage, is how much my realtionship with my husband strengthens my walk with the Lord. It edifies me. I have to forgive. I have to be humble and seek forgiveness. I learn to love another enough to seek his BEST. And he teaches me what love is by the way he loves me. I think marriage showed me how selfish I was deep down. Praise the Lord, God gives me the grace to change. “Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be.” Robert Browning said that, I think. But I just take out the “old”.
I agree with you, those comments just make me sad. That is not the way the Lord planned for us. I think it is the sacrifice they have trouble with (not that I am saying all single women are like that) just in those examples.
I saw that particular Oprah show and felt terrible myself. I wanted to write to her and tell her how upset I was, but never did get around to it.
I am a single, never married woman- not all by choice. I think Oprah is a very bad example to other single women. If she wants to be single, then she shouldn’t keep her boyfriend hanging in the balance for a life long relationship that has no lasting commitment. If God has called her to singleness - then stick to that, if He has called her to marriage, than lift it up and embrace it.
Reading your blog this time, Vashti, reminds me of a character in one of your books!
I saw a little bit of that show. And I thought it selled marriage short. On the other hand, I’ve seen a lot of women who do become less in their marriages. A few years ago, I watched a friend become physically ill and extremely depressed as she gave away her desires to her husband’s–in the matter of a major move and career change. So I think that a valid point was made; it seems that there are women who let this happen and men who don’t seem to see that it shouldn’t.
However, Vashti, as a single woman, something about your post and some of the responses bothers me a little. I didn’t choose to be single. I just haven’t found anyone I’d spend my life with. But I don’t think that that means my life isn’t whole or complete, and that’s the implication I find in your thoughts. God makes me whole not another person. God gives me security. And the fact that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in His image means that I can be confident and strive for my dreams. When we, as Christians, begin to proclaim that marriage makes wholeness and safety and gives us confidence….well, firstly, that’s the reason that a lot of single people I know have ran away from church…and we also short change ourselves as being made by God to be complete on our own merits.
Hi Vasthi,
I enjoyed your article and while i agree with you on what marriage should be, not all women are blessed in that way.
What about those women that have been supportive to their mate, loving to their children and made the perfect home for someone to only find out 25-30 years later that the man is not who they thought they were.
How many stories do we hear on a daily basis of men who have been less than kind to their spouse?
Look at Christie Brinkley’s life right now. She found out that her “loving and loyal” husband was cheating on her with a 19 year old (for at least 2 years) and then has the audacity to ask for forgiveness.
I know that we must search forgiveness and especially be willing to give it. Afterall,if Jesus can forgive us for our sins, who are we to not do the same.
This brings me to Oprah’s show. I am of the same belief that women do become less in their marriage. I believe that any type of relationship is difficult and requires attention and sacrifices. But let’s be real, the woman is the one that normally sacrifices more.
I love (because I believe in sisterhood)those women who enjoy marriage and feel well taken care of. I am happy for them and always wish them the best.
I also believe that there are exceptions and that there are men who put their wives and families first, those are far and few between however.
On the other hand I am not happily married but by the grace of God I am happily single at 48.
If the Lord decides that there should be a man in my life, I will accept it and ask that he guide me and soften my heart to relationships.
Whatever the case, I am happy being single and will never place my happiness in the hands of another human being because we are all flawed and it’s 100% guaranteed that I will be dissapointed at some point in time.
So I will stick to Jesus, my rock, my fortres, my friend, my protector and my confidante for I know He will never fail me.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts.
God bless!
Laura
Hi Vasthi!
I’m very proud of you for having the courage to voice your opinion on marriage and it’s blessings. I’m sure you anticipated the flurry of responses you’ve received from women in different stages of their married/unmarried lives.
I want to join the fray
I’m 45 years old and single (as you well know…since I’m your sister-in-law). It certainly hasn’t been by choice… but…wait…am I sure it wasn’t by choice? “Choice” is a very powerful word. In every second of every day we make choices-consciously or subconsciously. Are we (and by “we” I mean every one of us, married or unmarried) sure that our present condition isn’t the result of being left to make our own “choices”? Aren’t there more of us “Oprah”s out there, with the childhood traumas (real or imagined), than there are happily-married women?
I am happy for every married woman out there who has been blessed with a good Christian man. I wish I had one. But the truth is that I’m just now growing up! I had no clue what a good man was until recently. I think God protected me from my own “choices” and kept me to Himself until I would learn how to tell the difference between right and wrong. Any choice I would’ve made for a spouse before would’ve resulted in heartache, I’m sure of it.
I feel more fulfilled now than I ever have. I’ve raised a good son by myself (with the help of God and my family), and I have the love of the people I care about (well, I don’t think the people that work for me love me all the time but I do get a sneak-peek when I let them go home early :))…I’ve gone on my first Missions trip and have discovered a passion…I get the priviledge of serving God in any way that is asked of me…without having to check in with anyone first.
So, do I want to be married? I think so. Do I think I can get wonderful benefits if I were married to the man God has for me? I ABSOLUTELY think so! Do I love my present single condition? a big resounding YEAH BABY!…
…..until God sends a big, strapping employed Christian man my way (hey, you can dream, can’tcha?) He knows the desires of our hearts ladies….so pray, hold yourself accountable, pray, serve the Lord, pray, reduce the pining for things lost and find your happiness and fulfillment in Him.
…did I mention you have to pray?
Love you all!
Ana
!!
Vasthi,
Your relationship with your husband has taught and inspired me. I know the exact reason you’re in the blessed place you find yourself in today.
You have always put the Lord’s will ahead of whatever you might want, having the wisdom (which I lacked for most of my life), that God’s will for us is better than anything we could possibly imagine for ourselves. Complete trust in our heavenly father only, has been key in your life.
It’s taken me 45 years and being divorced for 18 years to “get that”. I myself have no desire to remarry. I’ve finally “gotten it”!! All I need is my God. I trust in him completly and he in return has filled me with such peace and contentment how could I ask for more?
Thank you for that life lesson. I love you.
Wow people left really long comments! Awesome! I just wanted to say that I love seeing your relationship with my Dad every day. It gives me hope for a loving marraige when I grow up. I thank God that I have the wonderful parents I do. I hope I will get married (if dad ever lets me) and give you grand-children (again if dad lets me get married before I’m 40). Even if you guys do get a little mushy and gross in front of me, I secretly love seeing it. Love ya! ~tu muneca
Vasthi,
Powerful!!! Your words sound like a fairy tale story. Like a dream come true. I agree with you 100% because I also have a wonderful husband - loving, supportive, caring, humble….. But I also understand the frustration of other women who had a different experience - I was one of them many years ago when I married/divorced my first husband. I was convinced that I wouldn’t get marry again. But God had other plans; he had something better for me the end of that dark, long tunnel.