Violet Voices

Peace Starts With Me

by Meredith Efken

I want my home to be peaceful. I want to teach my children to be peace makers. I’ve had to learn that it starts right here with me. I have to be at peace and a peace maker before I can ever hope to transmit those values to my children.

I’m sure most of you can’t relate at all to what I’m about to share…but I’ve had a hard time learning to manage and control my temper. When I feel angry or frustrated, my initial tendency seems to always have been to lash out–yell, criticize, be sarcastic, accuse. Such responses hardly make for a peaceful interaction with the other person. (I know, I know…shocking!)

I still have my days when, despite my best intentions, I do choose to give vent to frustrations and anger. But I’m doing a lot better. Here are some of the things I’ve done that have helped me learn to manage those negative feelings in a more constructive way:

1) Choose to respond more slowly. I’m intuitive, and I tend to act and think at the same time. But when I force myself to slow down, I give myself a chance to think about the consequences of my initial response. The age-old advice to take a deep breath and count to ten is classic…because it really does help.

2) Whisper instead of shout. Gotta be careful with this one when dealing with the kids, because whispering can actually come across far more threatening and sinister than even yelling. But when I catch myself raising my voice and deliberately re-tone it down a few decibels and a few pitches, it’s amazing how much more in control I automatically feel.

3) Ask myself WHY I’m feeling angry. That may seem like an odd question to reflect on, since it should be perfectly apparent why I’m mad. But when it’s a question of “Why am I reacting so angrily to the fact that my daughter has spent all afternoon NOT cleaning her room?” it really becomes a great question. If my anger is really just about the messy room, then it’s rather irrational. A messy room might be an irritant, but it shouldn’t make me blow my top.

But I’ve discovered an uncomfortable truth about myself. Usually when I’m angry, it has little to do with the situation at hand. And it often has little to do with the person I feel angry at. It has to do with…ME. In the case of messy rooms and procrastination, I had to face the fact that I was angry with my daughter because I dislike the same “hate to clean my room” trait in myself. I felt ashamed of my own messy habits, and felt out of control because my house is messy when everything in my upbringing and in my culture says mess is BAD. So I was projecting that self-shame and self-dislike onto my daughter by expressing my anger at her.

The same sort of things happen with many other irritants that come during the course of an average day of mothering. Things that really–in the scope of life–are neither crucial nor matters of ethical or moral importance, things that don’t merit righteous indignation, much less regular, everyday indignation…these were the things that tipped me over the edge. And when I faced up to the real roots of my anger in these situations, I was able to deal with it on a deeper, more lasting level. This has made a HUGE difference in how I view my anger responses.

4) Make changes in my thinking or lifestyle to relieve those deeper issues. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of facing up to the problem–like my hang-ups about having a messy house. I took a good, long look at that issue. And I decided that there’s no rational or moral reason to beat myself up for not being a perfect housekeeper. It’s all cultural. As long as I’m not posing a health risk to myself or my family, there’s no point in my feeling shame or anger for not keeping better order. I cut myself some huge, much-needed slack. In doing so, I found my anger melting away. Now, I’m able to deal with my messes, and those of my children, in a much more pragmatic, matter-of-fact manner. It’s quite freeing.

Other times, I’ve had to make changes in my lifestyle–whether it’s eating better or getting more sleep. Exercising. Or it might just be taking the time to pamper myself a bit–get a massage, or a pedicure. Treat myself to a new book or a cup of chai. If I’ve worn myself ragged, then it’s foolish to expect that every-day irritants will not overwhelm me.

Sometimes, I need to rethink how I’m structuring my day. If I’m yelling at the kids because I’m feeling stressed because I’m not getting done what I need to get done, then it’s a good sign that I need to rework the schedule and try something new. When I let myself get creative about finding solutions, I’ve almost always discovered that things weren’t as hopeless as I thought. And that, of course, means…no more reason to yell.

There’s lot of other suggestions for how to manage anger. Learning Peace has a good article. So does AngerMgmt.com. It takes a bit of self control and discipline, and a willingness to be honest with yourself. But I know from personal experience that progress is possible.

And it DOES bring peace into your life and into your home. At least, it did for me.

The Peace Starts With Me by Violet Voices, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents .  Email This Post