Really? Adoptive mom put her kid back on a plane to Russia with a "to whom it may concern" note because she didn't know what to do with him--seriously?

 

Gah. This is the sort of thing that gives the adoption community ulcers. First, can I just vent that the media does an incredibly sucky job of covering ANY POSITIVE adoption story? Good grief. Are there not hundreds of families who have amazing stories of hope and triumph in overcoming difficulties with their kids--adopted or not? Are the only stories worth covering the failures?

 

We in the adoption community have lamented that before, so this is not new, nor does it surprise me. But since I have this blog, and since I've got a book published about adoption, as well as being an adoptive mom, I'd like to just say a few things for the record:

 

1)  I don't care WHAT your kid's problem is, you don't put him on a plane and send him back. What part of "forever family" did she not understand? Parents don't get return receipts on children. You don't get a refund. You don't get an exchange. They're not an overgrown puppy to be listed in online classifieds for a "rehoming fee" and they most certainly cannot be thrown out because they weren't what you wanted, expected, or were ready for. They are CHILDREN, and no matter what problems they end up with or how they break your heart or disappoint you, you don't abandon them. Ever. Period. End of discussion.

 

Hey, I get that a kid's problems can be difficult. Even terrifying. My parents and my siblings and I have experienced it firsthand. I have an adopted brother (domestic adoption) that has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome as well as Reactive Attachment Disorder. His problems caused innumerable heartaches and problems when I was growing up. Eventually, he moved out of the house into a group home setting and is now out on his own as an adult--and he has been estranged from our family for over ten years. That was heart-wrenching, and the worst part is that there wasn't much anyone could do. FAS causes permanent damage. But my parents persevered. They got as much help as was available, and they stuck it out. They did what they needed to keep both him and the rest of us kids safe, but they hung in there until it was time to let him go. Until they finished their job and were able to let other qualified people do their jobs. Because that's what parents do.

 

2)  If you aren't prepared to handle the worst, then you shouldn't become a parent. That's all there is to it. There are no guarantees, no promises that anything about raising a kid is going to work out. This is especially true when you are adopting a child who has been in an institutional setting or who has experienced loss or abuse. They are hurting. They are damaged. It's a miracle and a testament to their strength and courage that so many children in these situations turn out happy and whole and wonderful. But you don't get any assurances at all that this will be the case. So if you can't handle the idea of facing the worst with your child without cutting and running, then you had damn well better NOT become a parent at all.

 

3)  That said, there IS help available. There are alternatives to sticking your child on a plane and sending him off to a foreign country all by himself. And if therapies and social services and doctors and pastors and all the other people in the serving professions can't help, then you find the most loving and beneficial alternative for your child. I'm not saying that it's never okay to disrupt an adoption or place a child in a rehab or group home setting. Sometimes that is the absolute best thing you could do for your child. But I am saying that those decisions have to be made with love and with the idea of still providing as much support and compassion that you can for your child. Because he is your CHILD and he needs parents who love him even when he is completely unloveable.

 

4)  And all this is coming from me as an adoptive mother. I think there's still a bias around the world about adoptive parents--a suspicion and distrust. People question our motives, our integrity, our ethics. They make offensive assumptions about why we chose to adopt or how we must feel about our adopted children. And stories like this just make that bias deeper and more ingrained. But I'm here to say that the vast majority of adoptive parents would NEVER do something like this to their children, no matter how hard things got. I have an adopted daughter from China. And I have a daughter by my own pregnancy. There is NO difference in my level of commitment or the depth of my love for either daughter. None. My motives for adopting are my own business, but I will make a strong public declaration of my staunch, unwavering commitment to both of them. Adoption doesn't mean that bond is weaker. Until you've experienced it for yourself, you might have a hard time understanding that, but it is true. That mother didn't abandon her son because he was adopted. She abandoned him because she lacked the moral courage to persevere and handle his problems in an appropriate and legal AND LOVING manner. Some parents are like that, as sad as it is. Some drop their teenagers off at police stations, others put their kids on planes back to Russia. It's not an adoption issue. It's a character issue.

 

And yeah, I know that sometimes the support for families in crisis is almost non-existant in our country. I know that sometimes things seem so bleak that all you want is relief from the suffering. I know that this family and many others are going through such intense pain with their children that their judgment is clouded and they do things they never thought they'd be capable of doing. I understand that, probably more than anyone might think. And I know parents make terrible mistakes. Maybe this mother made a mistake. Maybe it's something she'll passionately regret the rest of her life. I hope so.

 

But in spite of all that, the fact remains that in the middle of even the worst crisis, a parent has to be the adult. A parent is still the one responsible to set aside their own pain and frustrations and fears so that they can do what is best and most loving for their child. We don't get the luxury as parents of grieving or venting or cowering until we first take care of our children. No one said it would be easy or pleasant all the time. But that's what we agree to when we become a mom or dad.

 

And finally, can I just say that usually, all this is almost completely theoretical? MOST kids--even our adopted children--do GREAT. Most days, being a parent is a source of indescribable joy to me (especially now that they are past preschool age). My kids amaze me and delight me almost every day. I admire them. I'm their biggest fan. And I can hardly even think about how blessed I am to have them in my life without getting tears in my eyes (like right now). I never knew it was possible to feel a love like this, and that carries me through even the darkest times with them.

 

And that is true whether they are adopted or whether they grew in my belly. This is the real story here. This is real life. Thank God.

 

Rant over for now, I think. Thanks for reading.