10
January
2007
By Meredith Efken
Having challenged myself with my last post about making changes in my own life to create more peace in my home, I sat down over the weekend to work out a “New and Improved” daily schedule for my children. I know that if I have things planned out for them, then that helps me find time to do MY work–whether it’s blogging, writing, editing, or whatever.
I know this…and yet I tend to fall off the wagon with it on a fairly regular basis, and the bump from the fall hurts! (WHY I do this to myself, I’ll never figure out…) So after things get to be absolutely intolerable, and the girls are running around pecking each other like nasty little hens, and I’m feeling like the world has become one of those spatter paint spinners gone mad, THEN I realize that it’s because I’ve allowed any semblance of structure to fall apart. And it’s time to…
Get Back On A Schedule!
I hate schedules. I really do. I think it was probably because we had lots of them when I was a kid, and they were a source of stress and tension. I understand now why my mother felt they were necessary, but I’ve always been rather reluctant to utilize this tool for myself. However, you get to a point after so much lunacy that you are willing to try anything, and that’s where I came to on the issue of structuring my children’s day.
I started with a timid, vapid schedule. “In the mornings I will do school. In the afternoons they will take naps or have quiet time, and I will work.” Yes, I can hear all you experienced mothers laughing! It was like our nation’s first try at the constitution. Too wimpy to be useful.
So gradually I ramped up. Two hour slots eventually got whittled down to one hour slots. And miracle of miracles–it really did work! And to keep things from getting tense and making the schedule feel like a prison sentence, I’ve told my girls that this is a guide only. A tool to help us. And if we get off the schedule, IT’S OKAY! I won’t get mad, and they needn’t freak out either.
I’m proud to say my newest schedule is in HALF HOUR increments! And it is working quite well. We’ve gotten more accomplished in the past three days of school than we did all of December, and I have gotten eight hours of editing done and several more hours of work on my own writing projects.
It amazes me what a workable routine can do for the amount of peace in a home. My children actually are much happier when there is a routine. I guess I was the bizarre one for not liking routines as a child. And while I’m still not routine-oriented by nature, I have come to appreciate their usefulness as an adult.
Oops, my blogging time is almost over (according to my schedule). Better scoot!
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . 
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4
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
I want my home to be peaceful. I want to teach my children to be peace makers. I’ve had to learn that it starts right here with me. I have to be at peace and a peace maker before I can ever hope to transmit those values to my children.
I’m sure most of you can’t relate at all to what I’m about to share…but I’ve had a hard time learning to manage and control my temper. When I feel angry or frustrated, my initial tendency seems to always have been to lash out–yell, criticize, be sarcastic, accuse. Such responses hardly make for a peaceful interaction with the other person. (I know, I know…shocking!)
I still have my days when, despite my best intentions, I do choose to give vent to frustrations and anger. But I’m doing a lot better. Here are some of the things I’ve done that have helped me learn to manage those negative feelings in a more constructive way:
1) Choose to respond more slowly. I’m intuitive, and I tend to act and think at the same time. But when I force myself to slow down, I give myself a chance to think about the consequences of my initial response. The age-old advice to take a deep breath and count to ten is classic…because it really does help.
2) Whisper instead of shout. Gotta be careful with this one when dealing with the kids, because whispering can actually come across far more threatening and sinister than even yelling. But when I catch myself raising my voice and deliberately re-tone it down a few decibels and a few pitches, it’s amazing how much more in control I automatically feel.
3) Ask myself WHY I’m feeling angry. That may seem like an odd question to reflect on, since it should be perfectly apparent why I’m mad. But when it’s a question of “Why am I reacting so angrily to the fact that my daughter has spent all afternoon NOT cleaning her room?” it really becomes a great question. If my anger is really just about the messy room, then it’s rather irrational. A messy room might be an irritant, but it shouldn’t make me blow my top.
But I’ve discovered an uncomfortable truth about myself. Usually when I’m angry, it has little to do with the situation at hand. And it often has little to do with the person I feel angry at. It has to do with…ME. In the case of messy rooms and procrastination, I had to face the fact that I was angry with my daughter because I dislike the same “hate to clean my room” trait in myself. I felt ashamed of my own messy habits, and felt out of control because my house is messy when everything in my upbringing and in my culture says mess is BAD. So I was projecting that self-shame and self-dislike onto my daughter by expressing my anger at her.
The same sort of things happen with many other irritants that come during the course of an average day of mothering. Things that really–in the scope of life–are neither crucial nor matters of ethical or moral importance, things that don’t merit righteous indignation, much less regular, everyday indignation…these were the things that tipped me over the edge. And when I faced up to the real roots of my anger in these situations, I was able to deal with it on a deeper, more lasting level. This has made a HUGE difference in how I view my anger responses.
4) Make changes in my thinking or lifestyle to relieve those deeper issues. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of facing up to the problem–like my hang-ups about having a messy house. I took a good, long look at that issue. And I decided that there’s no rational or moral reason to beat myself up for not being a perfect housekeeper. It’s all cultural. As long as I’m not posing a health risk to myself or my family, there’s no point in my feeling shame or anger for not keeping better order. I cut myself some huge, much-needed slack. In doing so, I found my anger melting away. Now, I’m able to deal with my messes, and those of my children, in a much more pragmatic, matter-of-fact manner. It’s quite freeing.
Other times, I’ve had to make changes in my lifestyle–whether it’s eating better or getting more sleep. Exercising. Or it might just be taking the time to pamper myself a bit–get a massage, or a pedicure. Treat myself to a new book or a cup of chai. If I’ve worn myself ragged, then it’s foolish to expect that every-day irritants will not overwhelm me.
Sometimes, I need to rethink how I’m structuring my day. If I’m yelling at the kids because I’m feeling stressed because I’m not getting done what I need to get done, then it’s a good sign that I need to rework the schedule and try something new. When I let myself get creative about finding solutions, I’ve almost always discovered that things weren’t as hopeless as I thought. And that, of course, means…no more reason to yell.
There’s lot of other suggestions for how to manage anger. Learning Peace has a good article. So does AngerMgmt.com. It takes a bit of self control and discipline, and a willingness to be honest with yourself. But I know from personal experience that progress is possible.
And it DOES bring peace into your life and into your home. At least, it did for me.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
2
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
Happy New Year! I was pondering what to write about for my first post of 2007. Goals are SO passe, everyone does them at this time of year. And anyway, that’s not what I discovered is on my heart.
We live in such a violent world. A world where you push first before the other person can shove you. Where “preemptive strikes” (euphemism for starting wars) and picking fights has become common wisdom. This is a world that glorifies the bloody, romanticizes fighting, where being tough and uncompromising is considered virtuous.
It’s a culture where listening and negotiating is considered a sign of weakness. Where humility is scorned and soulful reflection and deliberation is mocked. Act now, hit hard, don’t retreat, and never apologize–those are the messages being hurled at us from every direction.
Even in our Christian communities, this lifestyle of aggression and violence is being accepted as normal, and even embraced and admired by some. As a novelist, I see this trend in our Christian fiction–sex and bad language are still taboo, but there is almost a no-holds-barred attitude about violence. You can stack the bodies to the ceiling, and even place decapitated human heads on your kitchen counter, but we are incensed by overt sensuality or cussing. Many of our leaders send us the message that violence is necessary, that working for peace is a liberal, unChristian thing to do. Some even believe that wars and death and violence are good and to be celebrated because this is a sign of the “end times” and should be encouraged.
How far we have wandered from the teachings of Jesus! The one who talked about turning one’s cheek, who taught that ones who make peace are blessed in the earth. The one whose birth was announced by angels proclaiming peace on earth! This Jesus, that we strive to follow, was a person of peace, of love. When we follow the way of violence, we are combining ungodly elements of our culture into our faith, and this corrupts our faith.
So this year, I want our family to become better peacemakers. I’ve been reading about how to teach kids to manage conflicts and anger, and how to make peace. I’ll post on what I’m learning and what resources I’m finding in the coming days.
To me, this IS living out my faith in Jesus. This is following Christ. What I hope is that when people come in contact with me or my children, they will come away feeling a deeper sense of peace and calm, an oasis amid the desert of violence that has become our world.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
24
December
2006
I’ve missed posting regularly this month, and am looking forward to getting back to it come the New Year. I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season with people you love (or at least can tolerate!).
I’m taking next week to do some blog maintenance, but there will be two new posts so watch for them. And after the New Year, I hope to have some new special things to add to Violet Voices.
My thanks and appreciation to those of you who have joined this blog as Voices this year. I really couldn’t manage the blog all by myself, and your stories and viewpoints are so valued by myself and our readers.
Love you all,
Meredith Efken
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Women's Voices . Email This Post
11
December
2006
by Meredith Efken
I’m a guest blogger over at Camy’s Loft today! Go check it out. She’s giving away a couple of copies of my newest book, @Home For The Holidays!
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Women's Voices . Email This Post
28
November
2006
By Meredith Efken
We went to Chicago this past weekend for my sister-in-law’s wedding reception. What a fun city! We visited China Town, Hyde Park, and got to hang out with my author friend, Allie Pleiter, who writes mom lit and chick lit that you absolutely MUST read.
Now that I’m back in town, I wanted to make mention of some updates and changes on my website. All the extra features for my new book, @Home For The Holidays, are now up, including an interview with everyone’s favorite irritating antagonist, Rosalyn Ebberly, and her sweet-as-honey sister Veronica. There are also several extra scenes that had to be cut from the book, and some other goodies too.
Also…I want to invite you all to come to a “Holiday Party”/Book signing here in Omaha, NE. It’s December 7th, at 7:00 p.m. at the Reading Grounds Bookstore, located at 40th and Farnum. We’re planning to have chocolate cake (which features significantly in @Home For The Holidays) and play the Holiday Song game that Jocelyn invents in the book. There’s a chance that I might even get my husband to come dressed in a Santa suit, but NO promises! So please come say hi and have some cake and enjoy the fun.
December promises to be a crazy month, so I’m inviting all the Violet Voices contributors to try to post at least once during the month. Otherwise, I’m afraid posting might be a bit sketchy between now and the new year. But we’ll just see how it goes.
I’m also working on a new book project. It’s top-secret for now, but I’m sure I’ll have some details in the months ahead. It won’t be another SAHM book, and it’s going to be a little less comic than my first two, but I think people will really like it. Be watching for more details…
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
19
November
2006
While looking up ideas for how to turn my youngest daughter’s room into a “princess room” (yes, we’re at THAT age–and no frothy pastels for this child–bright purple and pink ALL the way, BABY!) I came across this article that was just TOO fun to not blog. It was posted just this past Wednesday (November 16), and while I was never a tomboy growing up, I certainly can relate to the fun of having not just one, but two, “pink girls.”
” ‘Pink Princess’ Overthrows Tomboy Mom In Battle of Wills.”
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
18
November
2006
By Meredith Efken
A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to preview a new DVD series for kids called “On The Farm With Farmer Bob”. It’s from Integrity Family, and is an animated series featuring the voice talents of Amy Grant, Vince Gill, and Randy Travis as barnyard animals who teach kids to read, write, and do the right thing. Each episode is based on a Bible parable.
Obviously, with these musical giants, there’s going to be lots of singing in the videos. The songs are pretty good. Not quite “Silly Songs With Larry” good, but good enough for my girls to catch on and start singing them.
The animation is bright and eye-catching, and there are a few pretty clever parents-only jokes to keep the adults from suffering too much at the kiddie humor. I especially noticed the “Amy Ant” poster on the doghouse wall. Very cute.
My only real complaint is that in typical animated fashion, the main characters are all male. The only barnyard animal that is female is Jenny the Dog (Amy Grant’s character). But Sam the Ram–the main animal character, and Farmer Bob–the “wise adult in charge” figure are both male. As are the rest of the barnyard characters. The only other female in the cast is a vetrinarian named Sally who doesn’t appear to play a large role.
Having two girls, I am constantly looking for movies and DVDs that feature strong, smart female characters that aren’t princesses looking for a prince. Especially in animation, this is nearly impossible to find. You won’t find it in Veggie Tales for sure, and this new On The Farm with Farmer Bob is equally estrogen-challenged.
As a former teacher, I’m hesitant to say that these videos will live up to their promise of teaching kids to read and write. They’re definitely “edutainment” and not home school curriculum. But they’re fun, attention-grabbing videos that are wholesome and entertaining for little ones.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
17
November
2006
By Meredith Efken
This blog is for you all–to have a place to share YOUR stories. I’d love to have even more of you contribute and participate. Here’s how:
1) Leave Comments:Â See the Comment Count next to the title on this post? Click on it. You can view any comments other people have left, and you can leave your own. Blogs are the most fun when readers participate by sharing their responses to the posts. We want to hear from YOU!
2) Become a Contributor: You can share your own stories and be a blogger on Violet Voices! Look at the right sidebar. Go ahead…give it a glance. Do you see the box that says “Tell Your Story”? Click on it. That’s right–do it now. You can read the rest of this post when you get back. That page will explain how you can become a Violet Voice blogger.
Bottom line:Â We want to hear from YOU! 
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption, On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
7
November
2006
by Meredith Efken
I haven’t posted anything in a week. It’s strictly been because I just haven’t had the heart. Frankly, this whole thing with Ted Haggard made me so angry that I didn’t trust myself anywhere near my blog until I calmed down a bit.
I’m not mad so much at Haggard, except for his refusal to be honest and candid about his marital unfaithfulness and drug use. If he was truly sorry and wanting to change (aka “repentant”), then he would have ‘fessed up. The fact that he is dragging his feet on it makes me angry.
But what angers me the most is something beyond just this one person. I’m angry that the evangelical community has created a culture that sets up sexual immorality, and especially homosexuality, as the ultimate sin. I’m angry that our leaders–with our support and encouragement–have made things like gay marriage such a key battle that we destroyed any opportunities to reach out to the gay community and build friendships and open honest communication with them. And then when one of our own is struggling with his sexual identity, he had no safe place to turn, no network of support.
Yes, he made rotten decisions. Yes, he lied. But the evangelical community contributed by setting up a system that places leaders on an impossibly high pedestal where they are isolated from their congregations, where admitting sexual struggles will ruin their careers, where the appearance of having it all together is paramount.
This past week, I’ve wondered…how many other evangelical leaders are in their own private hell, living a double life, battling all by themselves against things in their lives that would ruin them if revealed? How many other families are hurting beneath their Jesus-loves-me smiles?
A friend of mine made the observation that we need to stop making celebrities out of our pastors. I think she’s right. Shepherding a church was never supposed to be a multi-million dollar industry with lights, cameras, and 6-figure advances on book deals.
It was never supposed to turn into political activism. Pastoring is supposed to be a process of encouraging a group of people to walk with Jesus, to love Him. It’s supposed to be a service to the people, something done behind the scenes, in humility and gentleness.
When we force our precious pastors to become Hollywood stars, we set them up for failure because we remove them from the security of being accountable to their own community. We place before them every single temptation that this world has to offer–wealth, power, influence, admiration, and fame–and then expect them to resist those temptations almost completely on their own. And when they fall, we fire them and tell them they need counseling.
That’s why I’m angry. And deeply embarrassed for our evangelical culture. We have lost so much credibility with the rest of the world. It’s hypocrisy of the worst kind. We have become what we claim to stand against. I’m not talking about anti-gay marriage pastors being outed as homosexuals–though that’s the most obvious example at the moment.
I’m talking about what the entire culture has become (at least the part of the culture on display for the rest of the world to observe):Â instead of humble servants, we’ve become wealthy, uncompassionate masters who spend much more money on our own gratification and pet projects than we do on offering justice to the oppressed. Instead of being subjects of the Kingdom of God, we have courted the political powers of this world. Instead of being the mouthpieces of God’s gentle, abiding wisdom, we’ve spouted shrill, sometimes hateful, foolishness.
What happened to Ted Haggard is only the latest symptom of a systemic problem. As the evangelical community, we need to sit down, shut up, and spend some time in deep, somber self-reflection. We could use some long-term repentence–as a community. We need to examine our own community and find our way back to what it means to follow Jesus before we say another word to the world beyond our own church doors.
So, I’m sorry I didn’t post last week. This is why. Even though I’m angry at evangelical-dom right now, I love my Christian community very, very much. And I know that individually, there are many evangelicals loving and serving Jesus. There are many about whom Jesus would say, “I’m so proud of you!” But we still have to look at our culture as a whole, at the overall direction of the evangelical community, and accept responsibility for what we’ve allowed it to become. And we must work for change, starting with repentence. It’s got to be a change that begins in the heart.
And since I’m the one ranting here, I’ll go first. I’m sorry. I repent for having blindly supported a system that doesn’t represent what I believe it means to follow Jesus. I repent for not speaking up sooner, for going along in order to not rock the boat. I repent for having, in the past, agreed with many of the excesses and majoring-on-the-minors that our evangelical leadership has engaged in. For being ignorant and apathetic about the wrongs being committed in the name of Jesus and in the name of Christianity. I repent of not caring. I have contributed to the problem, and I am sorry. I must change. Lord, please forgive me for the part I have played in this whole mess.
Please, God, help us to change. Help us be truly more like you, because we fall so short. We need You so much.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Women's Voices . Email This Post
