Violet Voices

Birthdays, both human and book14 Comments. Your turn!

Today is my husband’s 34th birthday. That in itself makes it a special day. Every time I look at him, I can’t help but think, “How did I get so darn lucky as to be spending my life with such a guy?” He’s due home from work in about fifteen minutes, and I just can’t wait–even though I just saw him at lunch. (The girls and I took him to Don and Millie’s restaurant in honor of the day.) He’s truly a rare and beautiful treasure. And for all the girls that passed him over in college because they thought he was just a “nice guy” but nothing exciting, I have only one thing to say…

Neener neener neener!!! *thumbing my nose*

(Me and my sweetheart at a Denver B&B this summer for ICRS, dressed up to attend the Christy Awards.)

But this is also a special day for another reason–one year ago today, my first novel, SAHM I Am, was released. I remember specifically avoiding bookstores on this day–wanting desperately to see my book on the shelf and yet scared that it wouldn’t be there and I’d be disappointed.

And now this year, the sequel, @Home For The Holidays, is available, too. (I think the official release date was actually yesterday.)

It feels sort of like the difference between having the first child and then having the second one. Lots of angst and nail-biting and ecstacy and anticipation last year at this time. Lots of running to the bookstores (after I heard that yes, the book was ON the shelf) just to stand and grin at the little stack of MY books.

This year, it’s a little different. I’m still VERY excited, and I want everyone to check out @Home because it’s a terrific story. And I will still end up oogling the Christian fiction section of every bookstore I visit, just to see if it’s there. But I’m calmer this year. It’s a terrific book, but I also have more realistic expectations about it. It’s not likely going to take the literary world by storm or turn me into a celebrity. (Not that I expected the first book to do that exactly…but a girl fantazises, you know.)

But still, it’s MY “baby” and having two novels in print is no small thing. So please excuse me for my proud parent moment…I’m going to whip out the photos and show you my “kids.” I hope you will check them out!

Here’s my debut novel, on its first birthday:

Sahm I Am

Isn’t it CUTE???

And here’s my newborn novel, only about a day old. It’s a Christmas story about the same group of stay-at-home moms as my first novel. A comedy about motherhood, fatherhood, stay-at-home parents, and how we celebrate the holiday season. It also has story threads in it about international adoption, embryo adoption, and the “War on Christmas.” (Ooohh, that one was a LOT of fun!) Publisher’s Weekly said the satire of Rosalyn was “delicious”–high praise from that particular publication!

@Home For The Holidays

Happy Birthday, everyone! (And pick up a copy of my book!)

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption, On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices .  Email This Post

You have something to say!1 Comment. Be next.

I started this blog to give other people a chance to tell their stories, share their experiences, and let their voices be heard. It’s so fun to now have 3-4 “Violet Voices” participating on this blog. I encourage you to check out their posts by clicking on their names under the “author” section on the right.

But as much as I appreciate the voices we already have, I’d LOVE to have more. You have something to share. So why not register (on the right under the Meta section) and be part of this blog? See all the particulars on the right by clicking on “Tell Your Story” under the Pages section.

This would be especially great for those of you who don’t want to maintain your own blog, or like Gina, who reposts older posts from her own blogs. If you are trying to decide whether or not to have your own blog, guest blogging is an easy way to try it out.

Be a Voice!

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption, On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices .  Email This Post

The Ache Inside4 Comments. Your turn!

Most people have seen children adopted from China. They’re happy, well-adjusted, beautiful kids that any parent would be blessed to have in their lives. At least, that’s what you’ll see if you meet our daughter.

But there’s the times you don’t see. You don’t see the times she’s sobbed against my neck, “I just want my China mommy and daddy!” or “I don’t know why they had to give me up!” or when she’s not crying, and is just being…well, a child attempting to manipulate her parents–”Someday, mom, I’m going to leave you and move to China and you won’t see me for a long, long time.” (Complete with a “So what do you think about THAT?” look!)

The questions and the pain began shortly after she learned to talk. “Why my China mom give up?” (age 2) became “Why didn’t they want me?” (age 4) and then, “I just wish I could have stayed with them in China.” (age 7) I think we’ve handled it okay–nonjudgmental, understanding, grieving with her and telling her it’s okay to have those thoughts and wishes. But also emphasizing to her that we are a “real family” and that being our “real daughter” has nothing to do with her appearance or who gave birth to her. That we love her, and will love and support her, even if she someday does want to go live in China. That we want God’s best for her no matter what.

But truthfully, these discussions are a knife to my heart. I know it’s normal, and healthy, and I’d FAR rather have her voice her feelings to me, her mother, than to someone else (or keep them buried). However, I’ve learned that being a good adoptive mom means emotionally letting go of my daughter in ways and at times that I don’t have to do with the one I gave birth to. I have to share her with her own past, haunting as it is.

There’s a special sort of deep pain that happens when you have to look your beloved daughter in the eyes and tell her it’s normal and okay for her to wish she had, in her words, “her own parents back.” And then to soothe the anxiety and confusion as she tries not to hurt your feelings, and as she finally realizes that even if she had those parents, she’d lose you. She’s too concrete a thinker yet to understand that the bonds she’s built with us go deeper than genetic bonds with her family of origin. All she knows is that she loves us…but she also loves them. And she can never have us both. For her, there’s not a win-win solution.

So not only do I ache for myself, but I ache even more deeply for her. If I could right the past, if I could heal that wound, I would. Even if it meant losing her. What a noble sentiment… that does no good. The truth is, we can’t undo the past. I can’t “fix it” for her, as much as I long to. The most I can do is pour my love into her and try to steer her on a healthy and emotionally stable path, to the best of my ability. And I pray. Oh how I pray for her! Trying to learn ever more to trust her to God and to have faith that He will heal those wounds that I can barely even reach.

I’ve had innocent, well-meaning people make the comment to me, “It must be nice to do an adoption. SOOOO much easier than a pregnancy.” I’d laugh if it didn’t make me want to cry. When I was pregnant, I had pain for most of the 9 months, plus about 7 hours of labor and a few days of recovery. But when I committed to adopting, I accepted pain that will last a lifetime. Don’t talk to me about it being “easier.”

But lest I sound cynical and bitter, I want to state unequivocally that the joy and blessing our daughter has brought into our lives is, to me anyway, worth any pain I suffer. The pain makes the joy sweeter. When she throws her arms around me and says, “You’re my favorite mom in the whole world,” it actually MEANS something deep and precious to me. And most days she is full of laughter, of joie de vivre. Her eyes sparkle and she tries to embrace the entire earth in her abounding energy.

So I don’t regret a minute of it, and if I had to, I’d choose to adopt her all over again. I love her so much, I can cry just thinking about it. I only wish, like she does, that it hadn’t been necessary. That she could have stayed with them. Even if it meant we’d never have had the pleasure of her in our lives.

See how divided she and I both are inside? No wonder we ache.

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption .  Email This Post

Adoptive mom living in China1 Comment. Be next.

I just found this terrific blog about an American woman named Pam who lives in China with her Chinese adopted daughter and her husband of 20-some years. She teaches English at a nursing college in Henan Province.
I’m a little envious–I’d love to go back to China, especially if it was for the purpose of doing another adoption. But it’s not our time yet, I guess. It was fun to read through Pam’s posts this evening and experience China vicariously for a few minutes. I really admire her and her family–it was hard enough for my husband and I to live in a different culture for two weeks. They’re doing it full-time.

Many blessings, Pam!

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption .  Email This Post