25
April
2007
by Meredith Efken
Good things come to those who wait, and I’m sure you’ll agree that this was worth the wait today. Thank you to those of you who participated in my “guess my guest” contest. I’ll be announcing the winner at the end of the interview.
I’m very pleased to welcome an extraordinary woman to Violet Voices today…Teresa Heinz-Kerry. Mrs. Heinz-Kerry has been conducting a blog tour for the past couple of weeks to raise awareness of her Women’s Health and the Environment conference, which was held in Pittsburgh, PA, on April 20th.
I only knew Mrs. Heinz-Kerry as the wife of a senator I highly respect and admire. But after getting the opportunity to meet her in person this past December, I’ve become a fan-for-life. She is tirelessly dedicated to improving the lives of families, especially women, and she has a humility and genuine passion to serve others. She views her efforts to take care of the environment and to help improve the health of women and children as a moral mandate that transcends politics. I’ve found her to be an inspiring role model, and I’m so excited to get to introduce you all to this special lady.
VV: Was there a point in time or a certain event that first sparked your concern or passion about the environment? What is it about the connection between the environment and women’s health that motivates you to take action?
THK: Great questions – let me address each separately:
I think my interest and concern for the environment came from growing up in Africa. The combination of the laws of nature and lessons about cause and effect were important ones. My father was a doctor and shepherded me by his caring for people and working so hard to stem disease. My mother’s gardening and constant nurturing helped me to begin to see how one gets results—or does not!
The environment was real and tangible in Africa – there was an immediacy to it that you couldn’t ignore. One key lesson I remember is that all animals go to the water at sunset and sunrise, so you don’t go then. As a child, I learned to be a curious, caring healer, to protect and nurture, and to be practical about it.
Spending time with my father when he was providing medical care to the native people in the African bush, I began to understand very quickly how precious and valuable our surroundings are. The people of the savannah would kill animals only for food, not sport.
But Africa is very vulnerable to droughts and flooding. Africa is suffering terribly now because of the environmental issues.
With regard to my interest in the connection between women’s health and the environment, it is actually quite simple: we and our children are exposed every day to thousands of man-made chemicals. Hundreds of those chemicals can now be found in the tissue of every human being on the planet, including ones who are still in the womb. Most of us don’t know what chemicals are in the products we use, and there are no warning labels. Even though we know about phthalates and bisphenol A and other individual chemicals, we don’t know what the “cocktail effect†is. Some of the ingredients may be inactive by themselves, but mixed with others inside our bodies, they may be dangerous, especially to children. We can do biomonitoring on the body burdens of each chemical, but that information still doesn’t tell us how these chemicals may interact.
Our skin is our largest organ, remember. Everything we put onto it, we absorb just as if we were like eating or drinking it.
We have a Food and Drug Administration for food and drugs, and an Environmental Protection Agency for water and air quality, but we do not have an agency that monitors health and personal care products. Those products can be toxic, and women are more vulnerable than men because we use more than men, and our hormones are affected by some of the chemicals in these products. The European Union has outlawed 250 of the typical personal care products, whereas we have we outlawed only five. That’s because the EU utilizes the precautionary principle, whereby the manufacturer of a product has to prove it is safe before it goes onto the market. In the United States, it’s us getting sick or not who show whether a product is safe or not safe. The U.S. approach is shortsighted and punitive; it’s not the American way.
These kinds of questions led me to initiate the Women’s Health and Environment conferences we launched in Boston in 1996. And, this year, we just finished a wonderful conference in Pittsburgh. It was a full day of identifying problems and proposing solutions.
It is important to me that women and men have the information they need to make informed decisions, know how to find specific answers, or where to go with questions. Educating a woman means educating the whole family and I am happy to support that kind of learning.
VV: Africa sounds beautiful–I can see how you would come to care about our world so much by living in that sort of natural beauty. And the effects you’ve described of health and beauty products is truly chilling. Thank you for your efforts to bring these dangers to our attention.
A lot of us on this blog are moms. So I was wondering, as you were raising your children, what were some things you found helpful in teaching them to care for the environment?
THK: I didn’t start out being an environmentalist; I started out as a mother. I taught my boys about health, about beauty, and we witnessed as much creation as we could. Today, they are all good cooks; they care about healthy ingredients. We grew vegetables, and raised our own grass-fed steers on the farm when they were growing up. Food was and is a source of nutrition and wellness and pleasure. It was important to me that we had a lot of enjoyment around the table. But that takes some effort.
One of my grown children lives almost completely off the grid, and his family are healthy vegetarians. Another son loves to go to restaurants and he is an environmentalist who travels and fosters a healthier approach to life. My third son is aware and caring but not yet attached to a way of doing this. But all three are disciplined about the environmental impact of what they buy.
One of most interesting tools I used when they were growing up was to quote my father; I would tell them that they would get dyspepsia if they drank pop all the time! They had a little ginger ale at birthday parties, but no sweets in packages. Food should be of high quality, and they did not get a lot of sugar either. My late husband, John Heinz, was working on a bill on diabetes research in 1972. I read through it and decided it was time to make some changes! Sundays after church was the only day they could have sweets. I discovered the wisdom of this approach later on. They were much more disciplined about their intake of foods that were not healthy and when they arrived at the age when many children begin to experiment with drugs, they had a basic respect for self and for moderation and quality. Create the capacity for making good healthy choices and later that just takes over. It takes a lot of stubbornness to be a parent. I learned this from my own parents, not from a book, but it seems to have worked out.
It is also worth remembering that Pittsburgh’s air was for years laden with thick black smoke from the steel mills, and I think this impacted or enhanced their understanding. Kids know about asthma and other environmentally influenced sicknesses.
VV: Wow! That is actually so encouraging to me–the things you did with your children were so…normal. I can do those things. In fact, some of them, like limiting candy and junk food, I’m already doing. Whew…maybe I’m doing better at this mom-stuff than I thought. Thank you so much!
Okay, one last question: I’m 32 and a stay-at-home mom of two girls. As an experienced mom and someone who has been an active proponent of women’s health (as well as a rather wise lady with valuable life experience), what advice do you have for me in terms of either my own health or environmental safety at this stage in my life?
THK: Since our skin is our largest organ, I would begin by understanding what impact the cosmetics, personal and household products are having in both the short and long term. I have talked about this issue before but it bears repeating.
Second, I would look at the website for the Environmental Working Group to make sure the personal care products your daughters are using are not adversely impacting their normal growth process.
Third, look for ways to increase what you might be able to buy from local organic farmers, and if there aren’t any organic farmers nearby, at least get to know your local farmers and see what they sell and eat themselves. Are they responsible consumers and caring cultivators?
Try your hand at growing some things yourself. And look at the Environmental Working Group site for food safety hints. For example, hard-skinned fruit is generally safer, but you should buy organic soft skin fruit, preferably locally grown so you know the source. Make sure your meat (chicken and beef) does not have antibiotics, as well as your milk. It is preferable to look for grass-fed beef, pasture-fed cows, and corn-fed chicken, if you can find it. Eat vegetables from the broccoli family, including cabbage and cauliflower that are high in antioxidants. Wash them all well, of course, but don’t eat soft lettuce and spinach unless they very clean and/or organic because it is hard to get the pesticides off. If you can’t afford to buy organic milk or it is hard to find, one cup a day of the organic type is better than the hormone-laden regular milk. We do not want hormones in kid’s bodies. And if you’re want to eat meat, look into eating rabbit, which is high in protein with no fat.
Fourth, the future of the environment depends upon the willingness of each of us to get involved, whether locally or nationally, in an effort to create greater accountability of elected officials and the laws they pass regarding the environment. The old phrase “think globally and act locally†still rings true today, perhaps more than ever.
VV: Thanks so much, Teresa. These are great suggestions, and I appreciate how practical and doable they are. Sometimes, trying to be more careful about our health and taking care of our world seems really intimidating. It’s hard to know where to start. I appreciate the simple steps and suggestions. Thank you for all your efforts, and for being an inspiration and role model for all of us.
Be sure to check out the new Women’s Health and the Environment web site, and the rest of Mrs. Heinz-Kerry’s blog tour –there’s a wealth of information in every single one of her interviews, and several more days to go. Also, for a look at what other “normal people” are doing across the country to help improve the environment, take a look at the new book she and Senator Kerry co-authored:
This Moment on Earth: Today’s New Environmentalists and Their Vision for the Future
Tomorrow’s blog tour stop is one you won’t want to miss! For all you stay-at-home moms and for all you unschoolers, as well as anyone who enjoys the high-spirited and the off-beat, Cocking A Snook is a must-visit blog. (And if you don’t know what that phrase means, you’ll just have to visit the blog to find out. It’s not what you might think!) They’ll be hosting Mrs. Heinz-Kerry for another great interview, so stop by.
Now, for the winner of my “guess my guest” contest… *drum roll*
Kajudy!!!
(In my best game-show announcer voice:) Congratulations, Kajudy, you have just won an all-expense paid trip to Amazon.com where you will be able to spend a gift certificate on your choice of thousands of great products! (Hopefully environmentally friendly, healthy ones!) I’ll email you!
Thanks again, everyone, for helping make this special guest appearance so much fun. And a final thanks to Teresa Heinz-Kerry for her willingness to share a bit of her story with us. I think she qualifies as a Violet Voice, don’t you think?
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . 
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10
March
2007
By Meredith Efken
As an author and freelance editor, I’m somewhat in the public view. My picture is posted on both my websites and in the back of my books. I do some speaking and the occasional (sparsely attended) book signing. So it’s only natural that I want to look my best, instead of looking like a candidate for What Not To Wear.
Problem is, I didn’t grow up in a family that had money to spare for things like fashion or keeping up with trends. I never learned how to shop or how to choose clothes that looked good on me. My method for dealing with the whole clothing issue was to wait until I couldn’t put it off any more, and then do a panic shopping trip. I’d bring home my new outfits, put them on, stand in front of the mirror…
And realize they looked hideous on me!
Adding to that, I’ve always struggled with self-image issues and trying to accept myself for who I am. I’m learning that there’s a fine balance between wanting to look one’s best and wanting to be someone you’re not. It’s not an easy line to walk. And for someone like me who had never had any guidance, it’s hard to even locate the line!
I don’t know how many of you can relate to these struggles. Probably quite a few. And you might be thinking that it doesn’t really matter anyway because you’re not in the public view. Maybe you’re pretty much a home body. So you think that your own appearance isn’t all that important. Or maybe you’ve been taught that it’s wrong to care how you look–because true beauty is what’s inside.
I have been through all that. And what I’ve found is that how you treat the outside of your body is usually a reflection of what you think of yourself inside. When I felt ashamed of my body, or when I lacked self-confidence, I tended to choose baggy, sloppy clothes that allowed me to hide. When I went shopping, I tended to choose clothing that reminded me of something that made me feel good, or that I admired on someone else.
Even the colors–I liked colors that made me feel like I didn’t stand out, that helped me recede.
Notice–nothing that I’ve described had anything to do with what actually looked good on ME. And that’s why when I got home from a shopping trip, I would invariably be disappointed.
I feel like I have a long way to go in learning how to first see myself the way God sees me, and then reflect that view in the way I treat my body. But my friend, Christine, helped me a lot. She’s an image coach. She helps both men and women learn how to choose clothes and accessories (like make-up or hairstyles) that bring out the best in that person. She also helps people learn to accept themselves and appreciate who they are as people. I like to think of it as she helps us recognize our inner beauty by teaching us how to reflect it on the outside.
I’d like to encourage all of you–whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a career woman, or even one of the few guys that I’m sure lurks here (even though they don’t comment)–to take a look at Integrity Works and read Christine’s information there. I think you’ll find it encouraging and informative.
We all need to feel beautiful, don’t you think? 
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
9
February
2007
by Meredith Efken
I’m so excited to welcome Sharon Hinck to Violet Voices today. Sharon has been a friend of mine for several years, and we met at a writers conference shortly after both of us had sold our first mom-lit novels. We have the same terrific literary agent, and share a love of fine literature and intellectual stimulation.
Now, she is releasing her second mom-lit novel, Renovating Becky Miller, which is a terrific sequel to the first, The Secret Life of Becky Miller. And we’re lucky to have been including in her blog tour to welcome her new book into the world.
Her interview is below, followed by a link to more information about Renovating Becky Miller and how to get your own copy!
I’m so thrilled to be part of your blog tour, Sharon. When they asked for volunteers, I jumped at the chance.
You and I have chatted a lot about literature and the fact that we both like a good intellectually stimulating read. What literature do you think most influences your own fiction, in terms of style or themes, etc.?
Hi Meredith!
It’s so great to be here to visit. I’ve always read such a weird mish-mash that it’s hard for me to pinpoint my influences. I suppose if I was classy I’d say I have eclectic tastes. But really, it’s a hodgepodge.
As a child I read Mark Twain (The Conneticut Yankee was a favorite long before I could understand much of it) and Jack London (The Sea Wolf was far better than any episode of Survivor), Dickens, Austen, the Brontes, Robert Louis Stevenson. As I grew up I dove into every corner of our local library – but fiction was always my favorite.
Writers are often told that they can find a clue to which genre they are meant to write by looking at what they like to read. That hasn’t worked for me. I read pulp mysteries, literary fiction, sci-fi and fantasy, historicals, humorous contemporaries, dark suspense.
I’d say I’m most captivated by works that have something unexpected or blend genres in an unusual way. In recent years I’ve enjoyed Gabaldon’s Outlander series, Ella Minnow Pea (Mark Dunn), Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next books, The Stolen Child, The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. I’d love to be able to write with both intelligence and humor, with layers.
I also have read stacks and stacks of fiction by Christian authors in the past few years and love watching characters grapple with faith issues in a wide variety of genres. My fourteen-year-old daughter and I just went to a bag sale at our library and each nabbed fifty books – only $2 a bag. We were in heaven. It was fun showing each other our finds afterwards, and they ranged through every category. That must be why I’m such a “everything and the kitchen sink†kind of novelist.
I think “kitchen sink” novelists are the best kind. Speaking of kitchen sinks…here’s the question everyone always asks me—how do you balance being a wife, mom, writer, and whatever else it is that you do?
Balance? I think that page is missing from my dictionary. But I show up each day. I try to listen for God’s interruptions (because that’s where a lot of my life happens).
I hear you! In Renovating Becky Miller, your main character is working on remodeling a run-down farmhouse. I personally can relate to the remodeling a run-down house experience. Is this something you’ve gone through, too? If so, what was your worst (or funniest) remodel story?
My husband and I have fixed up and remodeled each place we’ve lived. We’re eternal optimists who continue to be startled by the problems we discover when we tackle what’s meant to be a “quick weekend project.â€
LOL! You and I are soul-sisters on that, honey.
Our first home was a poor abused little brick house that had been used as a rental before we bought it. The first night (sleeping on the floor, because we were building a closet in the bedroom) we learned that even though we’d pulled out the smelly old carpets, the house was infested with fleas. The windows looked like amber stained glass because of tobacco smoke. But the oddest discovery was when the dryer wouldn’t work and Ted tinkered with it to try to fix it. He found chicken bones in the dryer. We never did figure out why someone had been drying chicken bones in the clothes dryer.
Oh my. I’m not sure I’d WANT to know! Well, you’ve had a lot of mom experience…how about some free advice? My oldest daughter just turned nine and announced to me recently that she has a crush on the cousin of one of her friends. Any parenting advice or tips or encouragement for me?
On the theme of remodeling – now is the time to build a Rapunzel-style tower to keep her locked up in. And cut her hair short.
LOL! We’ll get right on that–I promise. (Oh, here…time out for a snapshot of me and Sharon at the 2006 Mount Hermon Christian Writer’s Conference. I think we both look a bit peaked…being a writer is a tough job!)Â 
Do you have any inspiring thoughts to share with the parents who read this blog who may sometimes feel as if their own lives are on hold because of the demands of their children? Is it possible for them to still pursue their own dreams and goals as well? If so, how?
Okay, this may sound weird (so what else is new?) but sometimes when I feel a little “trapped†or “limited†it comforts me to think about people who really ARE in a prison. Richard Wurmbrand (a Romanian pastor who was imprisoned and tortured for his faith) talked about feeling joy when the cell door closed on him, because he was “shut up with my Jesus.†Wow. When I’m folding the bazillionth load of laundry and wondering if God remembers I’m there in the basement, longing to make a difference in the world, I think about how Christians through the ages have taken joy in whatever circumstance they are in, and watched for ways to serve.
I’ve also noticed that with Biblical heroes. God may stir a calling to serve Him in a special way and then wait years for the big picture to unfold. I love dreaming big. I want God to use me to bring grace to a suffering world. But I’m slowly learning that God’s grace can pour out through our small choices and seemingly insignificant actions.
I want to stop measuring how valuable I am on this planet by the standards of this culture. I can’t throw a football, win American Idol, or build a mega-church. I CAN listen to my husband’s hopes, put a bandaid on a child’s skinned knee, pray with a friend, or send an encouraging email. As a SAHM, I often don’t get to set the course for my day. I spend a lot of time reacting to the needs that come up around me. And really, that’s kind of exciting. We are all sort of God’s secret agents – ready to handle any mission He sends our way.
Meredith, thanks so much for letting me pop by to visit, and I can’t wait until we have a chance to have a good long talk in person again. I love the way you convey intelligent, real women in your books, with depth and sharp wit. I also love popping in to read your blog (although I’ve had to start rationing my blog-reading time because of deadlines). Blessings! Sharon
You are welcome any time, my friend!
Please make sure to check out Sharon’s latest book, Renovating Becky Miller.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
8
February
2007
by Meredith Efken
Mom-lit author extraordinaire, Sharon Hinck, recently released her second novel. Renovating Becky Miller continues the story from The Secret Life of Becky Miller, detailing Becky’s move to a dilapidated farmhouse and her quest for a more peaceful existence.
To welcome this novel into the world, Sharon is embarking on a blog tour, and tomorrow is her stop here at Violet Voices. I have a fabulous interview with her, so you won’t want to miss it. We talk about remodeling, tween girls, balance, and finding freedom when you feel trapped by life.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
26
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
I walked into our study yesterday, where my oldest daughter (just turned 9 years old) was supposed to be working on her school work at the computer. What I saw instead made me want to scream.
Against all our computer rules, she was on Google video, watching a video that had a very questionable title and that had the tone and mood of the sort of explicit material you hope to God your child will never stumble across. She had headphones on, so I have no idea what new vocabulary she picked up, but the images themselves were enough to make my heart stop.
When she realized I was there, she looked quite guilty, and shut the browser down with a muttered “Sorry mom.” But I knew I couldn’t leave it at that.
I was tempted to yell at her, and punish her in the hopes that she’d never try something like that again. I felt angry at whoever had produced the video and at Google for allowing something like that on their search engine. And I felt angry at myself for not having our computer locked down so tight she’d never end up exposed to such trash.
But I think God put a restraining hand on my heart because my words came out gentle and calm. “So what did you think of that video?”
She stared at me, obviously not expecting this response from her admittedly dramatic mother. Then, she said, “I didn’t like it.”
“Why not?”
“They were mean to each other.”
“Really? What happened?” I was fearing her reply.
“These two girls were going out on a date and they slapped a waiter.”
Hmm…at least it didn’t sound like the video had shown too much yet. I think I got there in time to prevent the worst damage.
“How do you feel about that?”
Her face crumpled into tears. I pulled her onto my lap and held her, comforting her. She said, “I feel awful. It was a horrible video!”
The upshot is, she wanted to look up “dates” on the internet because she thinks dating sounds interesting. And she got way more than she could handle. We talked about how she needs to be a lot older before she’s ready to date. She agreed she wasn’t ready right now.
I made her look at me. “Listen to me. If you ever have questions about dates, boys, kissing, etc. don’t go looking on the internet for answers. You come to your mama. I promise I will never lie to you.”
And we talked about how there was lots of good stuff on the internet, too. (Evidently, she’d also watched a video of a baby goat being born, and thought that was fantastic.) But that she needed mom and dad to help her learn how to stay safe. I told her there was a lot of dangerous stuff on the internet, and if she couldn’t follow our rules about using the internet, then we’d have to protect her and keep her safe by not allowing her to use the computer at all.
I also told her I think God made sure I caught her, in order to rescue her. She agreed that she’d gotten in way over her head, and she even thanked me for pulling her out. But she kept crying. I think what she saw damaged her innocent little soul. We prayed together that God would repair the damage, but my heart aches to think of it.
So now, she’s grounded from computer use for a week. And when she comes back to the computer, she will find some new safety features in force, thanks to her computer-programming daddy.
I’m glad I didn’t yell at her. She already was suffering from her foolishness, and didn’t need further punishment. But part of me wishes that she’d gotten on some harmless kids’ site and that I’d had to yell and punish. It would have hurt her far less than what actually happened. I think she’ll be okay. I’m just glad I caught her in time.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
25
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
This blog exists not just to provide a way for you to get to know me. It’s also for me (and my readers) to get to know you. So why not become a Violet Voice by posting on my blog?
If you look at the top of the right sidebar, under “Pages” you’ll see a link that says “Tell Your Story!” This gives you all the information you need to be able to post your story on Violet Voices.
It’s pretty simple. You register, and put in your personal information that you’d like to be upgraded to a contributor on the blog. Then you log in and post your story. I assign it to the category for you, proofread it, and get it ready to post. Then I fit it into the posting schedule.
I’m especially looking for young moms and dads, and those who are involved with international adoption. But if you like the blog, and you want to be a part, you are welcome to do so.
Please let your voice be heard!
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: International Adoption, On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
23
January
2007
By Meredith Efken
I came across this last week–my latest release, @Home For The Holidays, is available as an e-book! I had no idea! But somehow it seems terrifically ironic and appropriate for a book told all in emails to be available in electronic format. Don’t you think?
Anyway, if you are a stay-at-home mom, or a stay-at-home dad, or any sort of parent, or anyone who loves a good comedy, you might give this e-book a try. Personally, I’m still attached to my physical pages and the feel of a nice hard-copy in my hands. But I think it’s cool to think that readers can take my book along with them on their PDA or Blackberry or laptop, too.
If you decide to give it a try, let me know what you think, okay?
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents, Women's Voices . Email This Post
10
January
2007
By Meredith Efken
Having challenged myself with my last post about making changes in my own life to create more peace in my home, I sat down over the weekend to work out a “New and Improved” daily schedule for my children. I know that if I have things planned out for them, then that helps me find time to do MY work–whether it’s blogging, writing, editing, or whatever.
I know this…and yet I tend to fall off the wagon with it on a fairly regular basis, and the bump from the fall hurts! (WHY I do this to myself, I’ll never figure out…) So after things get to be absolutely intolerable, and the girls are running around pecking each other like nasty little hens, and I’m feeling like the world has become one of those spatter paint spinners gone mad, THEN I realize that it’s because I’ve allowed any semblance of structure to fall apart. And it’s time to…
Get Back On A Schedule!
I hate schedules. I really do. I think it was probably because we had lots of them when I was a kid, and they were a source of stress and tension. I understand now why my mother felt they were necessary, but I’ve always been rather reluctant to utilize this tool for myself. However, you get to a point after so much lunacy that you are willing to try anything, and that’s where I came to on the issue of structuring my children’s day.
I started with a timid, vapid schedule. “In the mornings I will do school. In the afternoons they will take naps or have quiet time, and I will work.” Yes, I can hear all you experienced mothers laughing! It was like our nation’s first try at the constitution. Too wimpy to be useful.
So gradually I ramped up. Two hour slots eventually got whittled down to one hour slots. And miracle of miracles–it really did work! And to keep things from getting tense and making the schedule feel like a prison sentence, I’ve told my girls that this is a guide only. A tool to help us. And if we get off the schedule, IT’S OKAY! I won’t get mad, and they needn’t freak out either.
I’m proud to say my newest schedule is in HALF HOUR increments! And it is working quite well. We’ve gotten more accomplished in the past three days of school than we did all of December, and I have gotten eight hours of editing done and several more hours of work on my own writing projects.
It amazes me what a workable routine can do for the amount of peace in a home. My children actually are much happier when there is a routine. I guess I was the bizarre one for not liking routines as a child. And while I’m still not routine-oriented by nature, I have come to appreciate their usefulness as an adult.
Oops, my blogging time is almost over (according to my schedule). Better scoot!
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
4
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
I want my home to be peaceful. I want to teach my children to be peace makers. I’ve had to learn that it starts right here with me. I have to be at peace and a peace maker before I can ever hope to transmit those values to my children.
I’m sure most of you can’t relate at all to what I’m about to share…but I’ve had a hard time learning to manage and control my temper. When I feel angry or frustrated, my initial tendency seems to always have been to lash out–yell, criticize, be sarcastic, accuse. Such responses hardly make for a peaceful interaction with the other person. (I know, I know…shocking!)
I still have my days when, despite my best intentions, I do choose to give vent to frustrations and anger. But I’m doing a lot better. Here are some of the things I’ve done that have helped me learn to manage those negative feelings in a more constructive way:
1) Choose to respond more slowly. I’m intuitive, and I tend to act and think at the same time. But when I force myself to slow down, I give myself a chance to think about the consequences of my initial response. The age-old advice to take a deep breath and count to ten is classic…because it really does help.
2) Whisper instead of shout. Gotta be careful with this one when dealing with the kids, because whispering can actually come across far more threatening and sinister than even yelling. But when I catch myself raising my voice and deliberately re-tone it down a few decibels and a few pitches, it’s amazing how much more in control I automatically feel.
3) Ask myself WHY I’m feeling angry. That may seem like an odd question to reflect on, since it should be perfectly apparent why I’m mad. But when it’s a question of “Why am I reacting so angrily to the fact that my daughter has spent all afternoon NOT cleaning her room?” it really becomes a great question. If my anger is really just about the messy room, then it’s rather irrational. A messy room might be an irritant, but it shouldn’t make me blow my top.
But I’ve discovered an uncomfortable truth about myself. Usually when I’m angry, it has little to do with the situation at hand. And it often has little to do with the person I feel angry at. It has to do with…ME. In the case of messy rooms and procrastination, I had to face the fact that I was angry with my daughter because I dislike the same “hate to clean my room” trait in myself. I felt ashamed of my own messy habits, and felt out of control because my house is messy when everything in my upbringing and in my culture says mess is BAD. So I was projecting that self-shame and self-dislike onto my daughter by expressing my anger at her.
The same sort of things happen with many other irritants that come during the course of an average day of mothering. Things that really–in the scope of life–are neither crucial nor matters of ethical or moral importance, things that don’t merit righteous indignation, much less regular, everyday indignation…these were the things that tipped me over the edge. And when I faced up to the real roots of my anger in these situations, I was able to deal with it on a deeper, more lasting level. This has made a HUGE difference in how I view my anger responses.
4) Make changes in my thinking or lifestyle to relieve those deeper issues. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of facing up to the problem–like my hang-ups about having a messy house. I took a good, long look at that issue. And I decided that there’s no rational or moral reason to beat myself up for not being a perfect housekeeper. It’s all cultural. As long as I’m not posing a health risk to myself or my family, there’s no point in my feeling shame or anger for not keeping better order. I cut myself some huge, much-needed slack. In doing so, I found my anger melting away. Now, I’m able to deal with my messes, and those of my children, in a much more pragmatic, matter-of-fact manner. It’s quite freeing.
Other times, I’ve had to make changes in my lifestyle–whether it’s eating better or getting more sleep. Exercising. Or it might just be taking the time to pamper myself a bit–get a massage, or a pedicure. Treat myself to a new book or a cup of chai. If I’ve worn myself ragged, then it’s foolish to expect that every-day irritants will not overwhelm me.
Sometimes, I need to rethink how I’m structuring my day. If I’m yelling at the kids because I’m feeling stressed because I’m not getting done what I need to get done, then it’s a good sign that I need to rework the schedule and try something new. When I let myself get creative about finding solutions, I’ve almost always discovered that things weren’t as hopeless as I thought. And that, of course, means…no more reason to yell.
There’s lot of other suggestions for how to manage anger. Learning Peace has a good article. So does AngerMgmt.com. It takes a bit of self control and discipline, and a willingness to be honest with yourself. But I know from personal experience that progress is possible.
And it DOES bring peace into your life and into your home. At least, it did for me.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
26
December
2006
By Vasthi Acosta
She worked hard at her studies. She crammed for the SAT’s. She loves and memorized God’s Word. She served her church and community. She filled her life with friends, family, music and books.
And then, she put all of that into her college application. Her personal essay focused on the benefits and gains she experienced from having been homeschooled. I wonder how many essays had a similar focus. I’d guess at least one or two more.
Her dream school was her father’s alma mater, and last Thursday she got her email.
Not a letter or a thick envelope. Just an email that started with the word — Congratulations!
And the celebration ensued. Chocolate was consumed. Toasts of sparkling cider rendered. Prayers of thanksgiving offered.
My daughter, Zila, will be attending the ivy league college, Columbia in the fall.
Now, I just have to find a way to pay for tuition. But He who has been faithful to open this door, will be faithful to see her through.
My daughter received an early Christmas gift and it was a doozy. Celebrate with me.
Written By: Vasthi Acosta
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
