Violet Voices

How I became a SAHM.2 Comments. Your turn!

My name is Beckie, I am 37 years old and have 2 daughters, Mary is 8 and Cassie is 7. I have been married to my wonderful husband since November of 2005. That beautiful story is for another time. This is how I was lucky to get to stay at home with my girls. Something I had wanted to do for as long as I can remember. Here’s my story…..

My girls and I were at the library one day after school. I always take them to get books to read to them and some that they can read to me. I don’t normally check out books for myself. Why? I just never read them. They look like great books, even sound like great books, but I just never read them. Sometimes I start them, like one or 2 pages. Usually if I can get past the first chapter I will finish it, but that doesn’t happen very often.

So we are at the library, the girls are looking around and I glance at the “New Books” section for adults. I see this book called SAHM I AM. I’m thinking, what’s a SAHM, so educated I was. This book catches my eye and I pick it up. I glance at the spine and it is an inspirational book. I decided why not, so I check the book out. I think it sat on the table for about a week before I finally picked it up again, but I did pick it up again. Once I started reading the book it took me about 2 days to finish it. I loved it. I laughed, I cried, I even got mad at some of the characters and felt so sorry for others. I thought, “How awesome it would be to be able to stay at home with my girls and to be able to find a group of women like this to communicate with each day”.

Each day I thought about the book and what it would be like to stay home. After a few weeks of prayer and discussion with a friend, I decided what I must do. One day I finally got the courage up to ask my husband if it would be possible for me to quit work. Granted, I was only working 25 hours a week, but money is money. To my amazement, he said, “ok, quit your job, I think it’s a great idea”. I was stunned.

On May 19 2006, I became a SAHM. BTW, I know what it means now. I haven’t found a group of women like the ones from the book, but I guess I can’t have it all right away. I still search for that site and eventually, I know I will find it. Being able to stay home with my girls has been the greatest gift my husband could have even given me. I love being with the girls and we have a blast together.

Note From Meredith: Beckie, it’s such an incredible honor to know that my book was what inspired you to become a SAHM. Thanks for sharing that story. I hope you find that SAHM community you are looking for.

Written By: Beckie
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents .  Email This Post

Small SAHM Complaint4 Comments. Your turn!

Can I just gripe a little bit? I promise I’ll be back to my normal sunny self as soon as I’m done. But I just need to indulge my inner 7-year-old and let out a whiny “But it’s not fair!”

Two weeks ago, after we got home from the International Christian Retail Show, my youngest daughter had contracted a cold from the stay with my in-laws and my 3 nieces and 1 nephew. She was sick for a couple of days, and in turn passed it to her big sister. Big Sister proceeded to have a fever and a sore throat for a few more days, before giving the bug to Daddy.

So my husband ended up with a cough and sore throat, bad enough that he had to stay home from work last Wednesday. He spent most of the day in bed, and I did my normal routine with the kids, in addition to bringing him hot tea and cough drops and making sure he was as comfortable as possible.

By Friday, the friendly little bug had decided it was my turn to play hostess, and I was feeling absolutely miserable. My sinuses hurt, my ears hurt, I was coughing, had a runny nose, and just wanted to stay in bed and pretend I was unconscious for the whole day.

But who stays home and pampers the mom when she is sick? NOBODY, that’s who! I still had to fix lunch, keep the girls out of trouble, get my OWN cough drops and hot tea, and do dishes. Plus, I had to bring in our dogs out of 104 degree weather, and clean up a broken water glass Little Sister had broken. Then I had to get both girls packed for sleepovers and drop the first one off in the afternoon. I didn’t even get a nap!

To be fair, my husband would have gladly stayed home and pampered me to my heart’s content. But it would have meant the loss of a vacation day, and coming on the heels of his own sick day, would have not been best for his professional image. So it’s not his fault. It’s just the way the system works.

But it does seem rather unfair. If I want a sick day, I have to schedule it during the weekends. Stay-at-home moms are NOT supposed to get sick, apparently.

All together now…”AWWWW, poor thing!”

Thank you. I feel better now. Although today, Big Sister ate half a bag of my cough drops while I was taking a shower. If there was any justice at all, she’d have made herself sick from it. But she’s perfectly fine, greedy little thing. Why cough drops, though? If she’s going to snitch, why not my dark chocolate I have stashed in the pantry? Cough drops are disgusting, especially after you’ve been surviving on them for an entire weekend.

Speaking of my dark chocolate…

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents .  Email This Post

Misconceptions About Home Schooling5 Comments. Your turn!

By the time I was in college, majoring in Education, I had experienced the following types of school settings: public elementary, private elementary, home schooling (middle school), private high school, and public high school. About the only thing I never did was boarding school!

My education professors quickly learned that if I was in their classes, it would not do to make sweeping generalizations about either private school or home school. They knew my hand would go up and I would provide a hard-to-refute alternative view based on personal experience. I was always polite and nice about it, but it surprised and troubled me to find out that there were so many negative stereotypes, especially about home school.

That was about 13 years ago, and a lot has changed in the perception of home schoolers. But I still notice some negative stereotypes or assumptions persist. I want to counter some of those today.

• Home schoolers lack peer socialization: I can’t believe this myth is still around! Good grief–most home school families probably have a larger peer group than kids in a classroom setting because they have different groups for different activities. I’m not active in our local home school groups, but even my kids are around their peers 4-5 times a week. I’m sure there are some kids that are unhealthily isolated, but that is definitely not the norm. And furthermore, a lot of home schooled kids have better social skills than their peers, just because they are in a setting where they get one-on-one training and practice with their parents, who have a vested interest in raising well-adapted children.

• Home schooled children are too sheltered and innocent: This was the excuse the husband of a friend of mine gave as to why they shouldn’t home school. Okay, sure, a home schooled child is probably not going to learn “playground language,” nasty jokes, or be persecuted in a locker room because of his body. She isn’t going to be teased for being smart, or for not wearing the right clothes, or have her bra strap snapped because she’s the first girl in fifth grade to wear one. Damn it! That’s such a shame. Yeah, we really shouldn’t be sheltering these poor, innocent homeschooled kids. Seriously, I don’t understand this complaint at all. Think of the pain you went through in school. Do you REALLY want your kids to suffer like that? And besides, home schooled kids may be more sheltered, but it doesn’t mean they’re helpless or gullible. They’ve got brains, confidence, and a sense of security that more than makes up for any lack of “life experience” they’ve been fortunate to have.

• Home school families are all religious fanatics. Bzzz!!! Wrong! I know lots of families who don’t home school for religious reasons at all. We don’t. We home school because we have children whose learning styles and learning needs would not be well served in a regular classroom–public or private. Believe me, if I felt that our public school would meet my girls’ needs, I’d have them enrolled in a heartbeat. Some families home school for religious reasons, but a lot don’t. And even those who do aren’t fanatics or freaks–well, not most of them. Don’t lump us all in with the few who are, please. Thanks.

• Home school kids are lazy and get a poor education. I’m hearing this one less frequently thanks to the well-publicized fact that home schooled kids tend to get so many academic scholarships and are so well represented in the National Merit Scholarship program. They typically score 20-30 points higher on college entrance exams than their peers. But still…occasionally some ignoramus spouts this one off, and I just have to say, “Who is the poorly educated one???”

• Home school families hate public schools: Well, okay…sometimes this one is true. I’ve heard a lot of parents with kids in private or home schools say a lot of nasty things about public schools. I’m sorry about that. Not all of us have a grudge about public schools. Every year, I really wish I could send my daughters to our public school. It’s a good school. It’s just not the right setting for their learning needs. But I know public school teachers–several at my church, even–and they are among the most dedicated, talented teachers I’ve ever met. I would like people to stop judging home schoolers’ motives for teaching their children at home, and I would like home schooling parents to be less judgmental of public schools. Just as there are good home school situations as well as bad ones, there are good (terrific) public schools as well as ones that need improvement. Let’s don’t judge either direction, okay?

Equally annoying are the “positive” stereotypes:

• Home school parents are more virtuous, spiritual, or dedicated to their kids. Yeah, whatever. I’m sure there are some parents who’d like you to think that, but they’re full of…well, you know. It smells. Truth is, we have good days and rotten days and in-between days just like anyone else. And some of us are home schooling because we feel it’s necessary for our children’s success, not because we want more sparkles on our halos. Lots of days, I don’t feel at all virtuous OR dedicated, and definitely not spiritual. So no pedestals, please.

• Home schooled kids are smarter and brighter than other kids. Don’t we wish! In reality, though, it’s the same sort of ability mix as the general population. Some of our children are gifted, some are mentally challenged, some have learning disabilities, some are just plain average. I think the reason that they often out-perform is more a matter of the one-on-one attention they get, and the fact that they have a teacher who is personally committed to them and knows all their strengths and weaknesses inside and out. I am an EXPERT about my children. In fact, thanks to their challenges, figuring them out has become something of a hobby for me–whether I like it or not. So I’m able to teach straight to what each of them needs in order to learn best. Of course they’re going to progress faster with that type of teaching. Few of us wouldn’t.

• Home schooled kids are good kids who never rebel, are always polite, and are hard workers. I can just hear all the home schooling parents screaming with laughter about this one! Our kids are NORMAL. Complete with tantrums, bad attitudes, rude behavior, and lack of motivation. But just like other NORMAL kids, they also have moments of such beauty and virtue, that it makes you catch your breath in wonder. (Wonder, as in wondering, “Why can’t they be like that all the time?”)

That’s all the ones I can think of. If you’ve got more, or good examples of any of these, please feel free to join Violet Voices and post your own experiences! Check out “Tell Your Story” for how to do that.

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents .  Email This Post

Why I am a SAHM0 Comments. Be first!

Since I want Violet Voices to be a place where people can share and read stories about stay-at-home moms and dads, I thought it would be good for me to share my own story about becoming a stay-at-home mom.

I never thought a lot about being a mom when I was growing up. It didn’t usually make my top three on my list of What I Want To Be When I Grow Up. I’m the oldest child in the family, but I didn’t have that strong mothering instinct some older sisters display. I was more just plain bossy!

But I did enjoy children, which is why I ended up going to college to become a teacher. And I always planned on probably getting married and having kids. It just wasn’t a big deal to me. In fact, my husband and I planned to wait five years before having kids at all.

Then I saw an article in Reader’s Digest about little girls in China who lived in orphanages because they had no family of their own. It broke my heart, both for the girls, but also for the families and for the country of China. What a terrible, difficult problem with no easy answer. I knew that I wanted to be part of the solution.

When we traveled to China, I was working as the supervisor in a community college learning center. I really enjoyed my job, and I was starting to get serious about pursuing a writing career as well. When we returned home with this incredible, fascinating little 15 month old who had somehow become our daughter in the short two week trip, everything changed for me.

I had to continue working to pay for the adoption because it had progressed quicker than we had expected. But I went from loving my job to dreading it. Dropping her off at my mom’s house or at my friend’s house while I went to work was so much harder than I’d ever dreamed!

And I found that I do, indeed, have a mommy heart after all–one that makes me cry when my children get vaccinations, that makes me able to speed across a room in a fraction of a second to pull them away from under a falling lamp, that creates a fury in me I didn’t know I possessed if someone mistreats or threatens them. Sometimes, I think I’ve been taken over by something else I never knew existed. I didn’t know this was what it was like to be a mom.

I had always thought that it would be best to have at least one parent at home with young children. My mom and my friend did a great job of caring for my daughter, but she needed to be bonding to her new parents, not more caregivers. It made more sense for me to give up my job than for my husband to quit his, because educators typically make less money than programmers. And I reasoned it would also give me a chance to write.

So as soon as we could afford it, I gave my notice at work. They weren’t surprised, but I did get people asking me, “Won’t you be bored?” “What will you do all day?” or the generic guilt-ridden excuse, “I think it’s great, and I wish I could do the same. But I just know I would go crazy. Besides, we can’t afford it.”

My co-workers gave me a nice send-off party, complete with a gift certificate to a local department store. I used the gift card to buy myself a different kind of work outfit–a cozy pair of knit pants and a matching top. I said it was my official “stay-at-home mom” outfit. (Funny, my fashion sense has developed significantly since then, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing, home or in public!)

That first week, I had all sorts of plans. I spent time with some of my friends who were also SAHMs and I joined MOPS, and I played with my daughter and started working on a novel. I loved it. And my daughter blossomed from a somber, timid little thing into a toddler with an infectious smile and laughter and a curiosity about life that never quits.

Since then, the novelty of being a SAHM has totally worn off. I can tell you my horror stories with the best of any SAHMs. But I can also tell you this: I do not miss the corporate world. Even on my worst days at home, I wouldn’t trade it.

I don’t have a “typical” stay-at-home mom existence, to be sure. I’m a published author, freelance editor, and I have ministry positions at my church, in addition to homeschooling my two daughters. I don’t spend my whole day playing with kids, cleaning house, or cooking meals. In fact, I don’t do as much of any of those things as I probably should.

I know there are a lot of great moms who don’t stay at home. That’s every bit as legitimate a choice to make. I’m not sure I’d be so happy with being home if I didn’t have my own careers and interests. But for me and my family’s situation, this is the best arrangement. And I consider it a privilege and honor, as well as a huge responsibility, to be home with my children.

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents .  Email This Post

Interview on Portrait of a Writer0 Comments. Be first!

Okay, time for some shameless self promotion…

I GOT INTERVIEWED! Check it out–it’s a two-parter on Portrait of a Writer…Interrupted, blog of writer and homeschooling mom extraordinaire, Gina Conroy. Here’s a snippet I especially like:

Do you think it’s possible to give yourself fully to raising children, home schooling, writing, keeping in shape, cooking balanced meals, cleaning house, etc.? In my life I don’t feel I can give all these areas 100%. Is it possible or should I stop striving to “do it all” and just do what I can and not feel guilty about it?

NO, IT’S NOT POSSIBLE!!!! You can not do it all. It’s a big fat lie!!! (Just like “healthy” snack cookies or “all natural” hot dogs!)

You have to prioritize. You have to look long and hard at the hours God grants you every day and choose how you will spend those hours. And you have to face the fact that for every thing you choose to make a priority, there will be something else that seems equally worthy or urgent that you will have to sacrifice. There are consequences to those decisions, too. You have to be willing to live with those consequences. But do it consciously. Don’t just let life happen. Choose what you do with it and take responsibility for your choices.

Boy, don’t I sound all confident and expert-y! *shaking my head* If only they knew…

Anyway, it was a fun interview, and Gina asked me some really interesting questions. And while you’re over there, read up on the rest of the blog, too. She’s got a lot of great posts that are applicable to any homeschooling parent or parent working from home with kids in the house.

Thanks, Gina!

Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Stay At Home Parents .  Email This Post