16
January
2007
By Vasthi Acosta
Recently I went to hear best selling author, Karen Kingsbury, speak at a book store. Her books tug at your heart and make you laugh, cry and hope the story never ends. At the event she shared how she chose the path to become a writer.
In college she was floundering, not knowing what to do with her life. Then her journalism teacher (Let’s hear a cheer for teachers!) pulled her aside and told her, “Never stop writing, and come work on the student newspaper.”
Those words set her on her path.
The words of wise counsel.
Recently on an online writer’s forum, the topic of discussion was ‘who encouraged you to become a writer’. It was astonishing how many remembered someone in their youth who spoke words of light into their life. Many gave testimony to how they still treasured those words and those who spoke them. Others spoke of mentors who gave them words of advice, encouragement, teaching and hard truth.
More words of wise counsel.
Pinpoint a time in your life when someone encouraged you, offered you wisdom, opened up an opportunity, named your talent. Each one poured into your life wise counsel.
God speaks many languages — one of these is wise counsel. Sometimes the words may be hard to hear. Other times they are the exact words you least expected. Or words that confirmed what you already knew.
But when they come from God, they are always the words you need at your moment of need.
If you are struggling today, lost in a maze, don’t know where to turn — seek God’s face. Ask Him to speak to you through wise counsel.
He is faithful. He’ll bring into your life the person who will share His wise counsel.
He who has an ear, let him hear . . . (Rev. 2:7,11,17,29; 3:6,13,22)
Written By: Vasthi Acosta
Posted under: Women's Voices . 
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11
January
2007
By Meredith Efken
I don’t know about you, but when I first became a mom, I read all those books about the different phases I should expect my child to go through. I learned about the baby stage, the toddler stage, and then I got to the Terrible Twos, Preschool stage, Kindergarten stage, and so forth.
Is it just me, or is the only stage that mentioned much about tantrums the Terrible Two stage? I mean, when my little sweetie started pitching fits and screaming around age 19 months or so, I was PREPARED! I knew it was coming, and everything I read said I’d only have to endure it for about a year or so. Just be firm. Use time out. Etc. No sweat. I could handle it.
Well…age THREE came. And the tantrums stayed. This surprised and dismayed me, but my mother finally told me that “threes are often worse than twos.” And that by age four I’d have my darling back. She was at least partially right. Four was better than three. But we still were getting far more tantrums than I would have expected.
Kindergarten came, and we started home schooling. The tantrums REALLY picked up then! I couldn’t figure out what was going on! It had to be my fault. I must be doing something horrible wrong to cause my daughter to throw fits. I felt awful. I was a Bad Mom.
I noticed, however, that over those past few years since Terrible Two, the cause of the tantrums had changed. She would get frustrated about a new skill she was having trouble with. Or her routine or expectations would be upset. Or she would get caught and get into trouble. It seemed like any time she experienced any strong emotion, it would overwhelm her and be expressed as rage.
It was pretty scary, actually.
I finally had to adjust my thinking about how I was dealing with her tantrums. They weren’t because she is spoiled or selfish. They were a matter of her lacking the ability to deal with her own emotions. So instead of ignoring her or putting her in her room like we used to do when she was two, I started working with her on the idea of self control. So when she did start to get frustrated or when she did become angry, I started telling her she needed to excuse herself and go to her room to get self control.
The problem has always been that I didn’t really know how to help her find that control within herself. Sometimes, after she would stomp upstairs and start screaming and throwing things, I would go up after her and just hold her to calm her down. But more often, I was too angry myself to be in a comforting mood, so would just let her thrash it out on her own.
The only way of controlling myself that I knew of was to simply stuff my feelings inside and not express them. I know from personal experience how unproductive that method is. So I let her rage, feeling helpless and a failure.
I wish I had found this article during those times. It draws the clear distinction between the Terrible Two type of tantrum, and the type of tantrum my daughter was dealing with as an older child. And it offers a lot of good advice about how to deal with especially the latter. It’s something not enough parent books address.
My daughter is nine now, and hasn’t had a tantrum in months. I fear we may be trading in tantrums for teenage attitude far too soon for my comfort. But I’m glad to see that she is learning to not let her negative feelings overwhelm her. I just wish I had known better how to help her through those times.
But at least I’ve come to understand better what was causing them. A lot of very intelligent, gifted children struggle with the intensity of their own emotions. And she has the added challenge of coming to terms with some unpleasant aspects of her own personal history–adoption, abandonment, etc. Looking back now, it seems it should have been obvious to me what was going on, but I guess I have to give myself the luxury of having to learn some things the hard way.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
10
January
2007
By Meredith Efken
Having challenged myself with my last post about making changes in my own life to create more peace in my home, I sat down over the weekend to work out a “New and Improved” daily schedule for my children. I know that if I have things planned out for them, then that helps me find time to do MY work–whether it’s blogging, writing, editing, or whatever.
I know this…and yet I tend to fall off the wagon with it on a fairly regular basis, and the bump from the fall hurts! (WHY I do this to myself, I’ll never figure out…) So after things get to be absolutely intolerable, and the girls are running around pecking each other like nasty little hens, and I’m feeling like the world has become one of those spatter paint spinners gone mad, THEN I realize that it’s because I’ve allowed any semblance of structure to fall apart. And it’s time to…
Get Back On A Schedule!
I hate schedules. I really do. I think it was probably because we had lots of them when I was a kid, and they were a source of stress and tension. I understand now why my mother felt they were necessary, but I’ve always been rather reluctant to utilize this tool for myself. However, you get to a point after so much lunacy that you are willing to try anything, and that’s where I came to on the issue of structuring my children’s day.
I started with a timid, vapid schedule. “In the mornings I will do school. In the afternoons they will take naps or have quiet time, and I will work.” Yes, I can hear all you experienced mothers laughing! It was like our nation’s first try at the constitution. Too wimpy to be useful.
So gradually I ramped up. Two hour slots eventually got whittled down to one hour slots. And miracle of miracles–it really did work! And to keep things from getting tense and making the schedule feel like a prison sentence, I’ve told my girls that this is a guide only. A tool to help us. And if we get off the schedule, IT’S OKAY! I won’t get mad, and they needn’t freak out either.
I’m proud to say my newest schedule is in HALF HOUR increments! And it is working quite well. We’ve gotten more accomplished in the past three days of school than we did all of December, and I have gotten eight hours of editing done and several more hours of work on my own writing projects.
It amazes me what a workable routine can do for the amount of peace in a home. My children actually are much happier when there is a routine. I guess I was the bizarre one for not liking routines as a child. And while I’m still not routine-oriented by nature, I have come to appreciate their usefulness as an adult.
Oops, my blogging time is almost over (according to my schedule). Better scoot!
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
5
January
2007
By Pattie
Yep, I’m a resolutions girl. Every year, without fail, I make a list of ways I’d like to improve, things I’d like to accomplish or finish, and promises I make to myself and to God.
In fact, making new resolutions is one resolution I keep each year!
This year was no exception. I made my list. I tried to make it as realistic and reachable as possible, but I still went above and beyond what I will probably be able to accomplish. And that’s okay.
I’d like to think I learned something valuable about myself in 2006 that I carry into 2007: I set myself up for failure far too much.
It’s true. I do. Then I beat myself up for it. It’s a vicious cycle.
Therefore, for 2007 I’ve decided to work with my procrastinating, perfectionistic personality as it is. Instead of trying to change who I am into someone I could never hope to be, I’ll try to accomplish my goals in spite of my shortcomings. My theory is if I work with who I already am, I’ll be more likely to succeed.
Ask me in a year how it worked.
Written By: Pattie
Posted under: Women's Voices . Email This Post
4
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
I want my home to be peaceful. I want to teach my children to be peace makers. I’ve had to learn that it starts right here with me. I have to be at peace and a peace maker before I can ever hope to transmit those values to my children.
I’m sure most of you can’t relate at all to what I’m about to share…but I’ve had a hard time learning to manage and control my temper. When I feel angry or frustrated, my initial tendency seems to always have been to lash out–yell, criticize, be sarcastic, accuse. Such responses hardly make for a peaceful interaction with the other person. (I know, I know…shocking!)
I still have my days when, despite my best intentions, I do choose to give vent to frustrations and anger. But I’m doing a lot better. Here are some of the things I’ve done that have helped me learn to manage those negative feelings in a more constructive way:
1) Choose to respond more slowly. I’m intuitive, and I tend to act and think at the same time. But when I force myself to slow down, I give myself a chance to think about the consequences of my initial response. The age-old advice to take a deep breath and count to ten is classic…because it really does help.
2) Whisper instead of shout. Gotta be careful with this one when dealing with the kids, because whispering can actually come across far more threatening and sinister than even yelling. But when I catch myself raising my voice and deliberately re-tone it down a few decibels and a few pitches, it’s amazing how much more in control I automatically feel.
3) Ask myself WHY I’m feeling angry. That may seem like an odd question to reflect on, since it should be perfectly apparent why I’m mad. But when it’s a question of “Why am I reacting so angrily to the fact that my daughter has spent all afternoon NOT cleaning her room?” it really becomes a great question. If my anger is really just about the messy room, then it’s rather irrational. A messy room might be an irritant, but it shouldn’t make me blow my top.
But I’ve discovered an uncomfortable truth about myself. Usually when I’m angry, it has little to do with the situation at hand. And it often has little to do with the person I feel angry at. It has to do with…ME. In the case of messy rooms and procrastination, I had to face the fact that I was angry with my daughter because I dislike the same “hate to clean my room” trait in myself. I felt ashamed of my own messy habits, and felt out of control because my house is messy when everything in my upbringing and in my culture says mess is BAD. So I was projecting that self-shame and self-dislike onto my daughter by expressing my anger at her.
The same sort of things happen with many other irritants that come during the course of an average day of mothering. Things that really–in the scope of life–are neither crucial nor matters of ethical or moral importance, things that don’t merit righteous indignation, much less regular, everyday indignation…these were the things that tipped me over the edge. And when I faced up to the real roots of my anger in these situations, I was able to deal with it on a deeper, more lasting level. This has made a HUGE difference in how I view my anger responses.
4) Make changes in my thinking or lifestyle to relieve those deeper issues. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of facing up to the problem–like my hang-ups about having a messy house. I took a good, long look at that issue. And I decided that there’s no rational or moral reason to beat myself up for not being a perfect housekeeper. It’s all cultural. As long as I’m not posing a health risk to myself or my family, there’s no point in my feeling shame or anger for not keeping better order. I cut myself some huge, much-needed slack. In doing so, I found my anger melting away. Now, I’m able to deal with my messes, and those of my children, in a much more pragmatic, matter-of-fact manner. It’s quite freeing.
Other times, I’ve had to make changes in my lifestyle–whether it’s eating better or getting more sleep. Exercising. Or it might just be taking the time to pamper myself a bit–get a massage, or a pedicure. Treat myself to a new book or a cup of chai. If I’ve worn myself ragged, then it’s foolish to expect that every-day irritants will not overwhelm me.
Sometimes, I need to rethink how I’m structuring my day. If I’m yelling at the kids because I’m feeling stressed because I’m not getting done what I need to get done, then it’s a good sign that I need to rework the schedule and try something new. When I let myself get creative about finding solutions, I’ve almost always discovered that things weren’t as hopeless as I thought. And that, of course, means…no more reason to yell.
There’s lot of other suggestions for how to manage anger. Learning Peace has a good article. So does AngerMgmt.com. It takes a bit of self control and discipline, and a willingness to be honest with yourself. But I know from personal experience that progress is possible.
And it DOES bring peace into your life and into your home. At least, it did for me.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
2
January
2007
by Meredith Efken
Happy New Year! I was pondering what to write about for my first post of 2007. Goals are SO passe, everyone does them at this time of year. And anyway, that’s not what I discovered is on my heart.
We live in such a violent world. A world where you push first before the other person can shove you. Where “preemptive strikes” (euphemism for starting wars) and picking fights has become common wisdom. This is a world that glorifies the bloody, romanticizes fighting, where being tough and uncompromising is considered virtuous.
It’s a culture where listening and negotiating is considered a sign of weakness. Where humility is scorned and soulful reflection and deliberation is mocked. Act now, hit hard, don’t retreat, and never apologize–those are the messages being hurled at us from every direction.
Even in our Christian communities, this lifestyle of aggression and violence is being accepted as normal, and even embraced and admired by some. As a novelist, I see this trend in our Christian fiction–sex and bad language are still taboo, but there is almost a no-holds-barred attitude about violence. You can stack the bodies to the ceiling, and even place decapitated human heads on your kitchen counter, but we are incensed by overt sensuality or cussing. Many of our leaders send us the message that violence is necessary, that working for peace is a liberal, unChristian thing to do. Some even believe that wars and death and violence are good and to be celebrated because this is a sign of the “end times” and should be encouraged.
How far we have wandered from the teachings of Jesus! The one who talked about turning one’s cheek, who taught that ones who make peace are blessed in the earth. The one whose birth was announced by angels proclaiming peace on earth! This Jesus, that we strive to follow, was a person of peace, of love. When we follow the way of violence, we are combining ungodly elements of our culture into our faith, and this corrupts our faith.
So this year, I want our family to become better peacemakers. I’ve been reading about how to teach kids to manage conflicts and anger, and how to make peace. I’ll post on what I’m learning and what resources I’m finding in the coming days.
To me, this IS living out my faith in Jesus. This is following Christ. What I hope is that when people come in contact with me or my children, they will come away feeling a deeper sense of peace and calm, an oasis amid the desert of violence that has become our world.
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
29
December
2006
nothing to do with it . . .
By Barbara
I was a tad frantic this morning - made several phone calls to folks I thought could help - none were able to do so.
You see, I work for a “secure” facility. Our doors are kept locked. We all have keys to enter the premises.
We all do - until this morning. We all do - except for me. You see, I somehow had lost my keys. It’s a pretty recognizable set of keys, too - kept on a purple carabiner (snap tool, I think the Guardsmen call it) with a long tailed rust colored suede leather fob. I use that so I can spot it, or feel it easily, you see.
So, phone calls were made to my pastor asking him to go to the church to look there - to Lessa to ask her to check my house - to Ladybug to ask her to look around where I had parked this morning when I picked up TAT - to the school where I had dropped off TAT - to hubby moose to ask him to check the house when he goes home for lunch . . . I even went out to look in this lot - but knew it was kind of hopeless because the plow had come earlier and if it was in the snow, I would not be able to find it until the next thaw (oh, in about three months or so).
Finally I could stand it no longer . . . I drove to the school myself to check - then went in to tell them what I was doing in case someone called about some strange lady wandering amongst the cars in the lot. No keys.
I drove towards home - stopping at our cluster mailbox - kicked around the snow in front of it where I had stopped last night to check the mail. (thankfully, the city plow hits our street last on the list so the snow was just thick - and cold - and WET!)
Then I drove into our driveway, parking where hubby moose generally parks. Wait - what is that poking up out of the snow? Could it be? Yes!!! It was - my keys - actually, the long tailed suede fob!
Called everyone to let them know - well, except Lessa - she has gone back to bed by now, I’m sure - I’ll call her sometime after noon.
When I came back to work bearing keys held high - everyone said “you’re LUCKY!”
Nope, friends, LUCK had NOTHING to do with it. Prayer had EVERYTHING to do with it.
I believe in a Sovereign God who cares even about such a thing as lost keys. He allowed me to find them. And, it was thanks to the prayers of my pastor and his family and myself. The inablity to sit still at this desk a moment longer which led me home to find them - yup, I attribute that to His Sovereignty.
Praise the Lord!
(first published at my website.)
Written By: barbara
Posted under: Women's Voices . Email This Post
26
December
2006
By Vasthi Acosta
She worked hard at her studies. She crammed for the SAT’s. She loves and memorized God’s Word. She served her church and community. She filled her life with friends, family, music and books.
And then, she put all of that into her college application. Her personal essay focused on the benefits and gains she experienced from having been homeschooled. I wonder how many essays had a similar focus. I’d guess at least one or two more.
Her dream school was her father’s alma mater, and last Thursday she got her email.
Not a letter or a thick envelope. Just an email that started with the word — Congratulations!
And the celebration ensued. Chocolate was consumed. Toasts of sparkling cider rendered. Prayers of thanksgiving offered.
My daughter, Zila, will be attending the ivy league college, Columbia in the fall.
Now, I just have to find a way to pay for tuition. But He who has been faithful to open this door, will be faithful to see her through.
My daughter received an early Christmas gift and it was a doozy. Celebrate with me.
Written By: Vasthi Acosta
Posted under: On Being a Parent, Stay At Home Parents . Email This Post
24
December
2006
I’ve missed posting regularly this month, and am looking forward to getting back to it come the New Year. I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season with people you love (or at least can tolerate!).
I’m taking next week to do some blog maintenance, but there will be two new posts so watch for them. And after the New Year, I hope to have some new special things to add to Violet Voices.
My thanks and appreciation to those of you who have joined this blog as Voices this year. I really couldn’t manage the blog all by myself, and your stories and viewpoints are so valued by myself and our readers.
Love you all,
Meredith Efken
Written By: Meredith Efken
Posted under: Women's Voices . Email This Post
12
December
2006
By Vasthi Acosta
Ever sit in a church service singing a worship song that elevates you, and you feel the grandeur of God? Or you are driving along, a song comes on the radio and you start crying or maybe, laughing, because the song reminds you of someone or something?
Ever have the lyrics of a song spur you to action? How about hearing the crescendo of a piece of music and suddenly you feel dwarfed by the majesty and splendor of God?
Music speaks to me and often, I hear God’s voice in it.
A worship chorus states, more eloquently than I ever could, what my heart wants to shout to the Lord, another reminds me that Jesus is the lover of my soul, or how He binds the broken hearted, sets me free.
Even a secular song, like Ain’t no mountain high enough — reminds me of the scripture that reads: For I am convinced . . .that neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39.
Recently, as I listened to Held, a song by Natalie Grant, I felt a holy nudge to call a friend, who was losing her mother to cancer. I didn’t question the nudge, I just acted. Although, I didn’t reach my friend on the phone, I did leave a message that I hope comforted, encouraged, and spoke strength into her life.
God speaks in many languages. Music is one of them. But with music, we can partner with Him to speak blessing into the world.
Now as I ponder, I realize that it is through this partnership that such great pieces like Handel’s Messiah, Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, and even, Natalie Grant’s Held came to be. What a privilege!
During this time of Christmas carols, listen closely, do you hear Him?
Written By: Vasthi Acosta
Posted under: On Being a Parent . Email This Post
